Ali

I was just relieved that she felt she could trust me. I was concerned, because I couldn't really know where we would go and what, what kind of journey we would have. But it was good to know that what their concern was that at last we could address it rather than it always being an elephant in the room and I didn't even know there was an elephant there.

It's been so good she's met people online and she's visited them, and she's got so much more confidence. But it took us a long time for her to get the confidence up to come out socially and she's has (now) completely. But, it was very much in stealth when we first started. And she never let me tell the school and to try and get help from the school without being overt, which sounds like a terrible betrayal and I felt that I was betraying my daughter. But, yeah. That was really our journey and are waiting to go onto adult services now.

And eventually we managed to tell the other therapist and I knew that they were supposed to do a referral to CAMHS, not to CAMHS to the (GIDS) adolescent services, but I was told at that point that they didn't handle things like that and we were just basically cut loose and left to float. It then took my daughter a great deal of time and soul searching to be able to then go to our GP, who has been extremely supportive, in order to then make the referral to the [Gender Identity Development Service]. By which time, the waiting list had doubled, waiting times had doubled [sighs]. It was not. I think the difficulty with CAMHS had been partly because we hadn't come out initially and said, ''This is our problem.'' And I think because of their cuts in funding they were under time pressure to get us through and they didn't see the necessity for keeping her on. But it was, it was difficult when we were on the waiting list without support. Just desperately wanting to go through it. And at that point she was going through puberty and that was creating an awful lot of stress. I didn't know where to go. And nor did she, obviously. She was going online and she did get a lot of support from people that she talked to online. And I think that was quite valuable for her.

Well, just enabling the referral. That was good. And also if they have an accepting approach then that's great. And it's never questioned my daughter's judgment. It's, she's never been dismissed as “oh, you’re just a child don't know what your own mind. It's they’ve taken a role of saying that we support you. That we'll refer you to the specialist, because they would know more and yeah. And, they also did provide information as to accessing the mental health services, but obviously I already had that information from having gone to CAMHS initially [sighs]. I can't really—oh yes, they have also been very good about administering the injections, because that's something that makes you feel very nervous, because you've got to get them mixed and within something like 30 seconds—administer them in 30 seconds. And I've been worried about that if we were cut loose, I would have to administer those ourselves. And [laughs] that is so far we're okay and they were quite happy to do that. So that's been great. So from a medical point of view that's what I’d be looking for that sort of help and support. They've been good and they've done as much as I would expect. Yes, also my daughter has gone to talk to them about her panic attacks and how to deal with those. In particular at times when she hasn't got on so well with me, so it's good that they've respected her privacy because she wasn't over 18 at that point. They'd been able to give that positive support which is great. A certain degree of physical care as well as mental health care.

I think the difficulty with CAMHS had been partly because we hadn't come out initially and said, ''This is our problem.'' And I think because of their cuts in funding they were under time pressure to get us through and they didn't see the necessity for keeping her on. But it was, it was difficult when we were on the waiting list without support. Just desperately wanting to go through it. And at that point she was going through puberty and that was creating an awful lot of stress. I didn't know where to go. And nor did she, obviously.

And at that point we then got the emergency appointment with CAMHS. And at the same time as our referral came through which had basically taken from the September to just on January. It was, you know, [sighs] I'd already been flagging it up, which is a bit disappointing and saying how desperate we were, but hey ho [sighs]. And at CAMHS the therapist was very supportive. But I was very aware that they had a very limited timeframe and we did feel very much that we were on a programme of 12 weeks in and out, and you had to be sorted by then. She still hadn't told me at that point what the problem was. Although, I was starting to get a feel for it [sighs]. So, I had begged them, I literally had begged them to carry on keeping her, keeping her on until the next start of (school) year, because I knew trying to get her to go back into school at the start of that year would be horrendous. And they did agree but we were seeing a different therapist at that point. And I don't know what that after, we'd had various incidents where she'd had actually picked her up from school to go to her therapist session and she cut herself while in the classroom. So I was trying to alert school and the school were trying to help, but there wasn't very much provision in school going back. So CAMHS eventually, just before the first therapist ended, she told me what the problem was that she was trans. And but she didn't, she couldn't get the courage up to tell the therapist. And I didn't want to circumvent how she actually felt. And eventually we managed to tell the other therapist and I knew that they were supposed to do a referral to CAMHS, not to CAMHS to the (GIDS) adolescent services, but I was told at that point that they didn't handle things like that and we were just basically cut loose and left to float.

I would say that the therapist was very good about getting her to come to terms with herself and how her appearance would, would be. That, you know, there wasn't going to be a magic wand. But on the other hand, it was very slow and it was very frustrating for her, because there was a degree of hesitation taking seriously how she felt, I had the same reservations, I didn't know whether it was going to be this how she feels just now, is she going to be certain about things. And, she keeps things, she's always kept things very bottled up. So, I'm never very sure just how strongly she feels about something and really up until that point she had been talking to me. So I'd had a fair idea of how strongly, strongly she felt about things. But, I know she didn't convey that to the therapist, and it's only because I had that personal knowledge of it, obviously it’s my daughter. And it, [sighs] yeah. So, I did have the opportunity to email into the therapist and say that, you know, she does feel strongly about this. And, you know, she's desperate about this and, you know, what are the options? Is there any way to move on quicker?

Yeah, that was very much with the therapist that she had to, in that small window she had to make, you know, any concerns that she had, she had to bring up there and then. She had to restate and state again how she felt and what she wanted to go and where she wanted to be. And any expression that she had of doubt would then have to be examined again and gone over again and she'd have—it was almost like you go forward two steps and back one and then forward two steps and back one each time with each session. I can understand that with, yeah, psychologists want to make sure that everything was sorted out as far as possible. But it's very difficult for a young person who sees time slipping away rapidly to come into a session and get through everything and take on board the help that's given and, and also try and push forward for what they want. So, it's frustrating.

I got, really fell into the situation where I had to investigate the private route, which was really very expensive, from the point of view that I couldn't support it. And, and not particularly satisfactory, cause it's not really available in Britain. But it's, [sighs] it was, it was good, cause I was able to go online and find out about other people's experiences where we had finally got a referral to the [city] Hospital to get suppressants. And, but, unfortunately by the start of those, I had given them to my daughter and said, we would try and get private hormones. What I hadn't realised, at that point is that although I contacted our GP and talked to the private supplier of the hormones and they said they were happy to do shared care. I didn't realise that the hospital didn’t do that and that they were going to drop us like a hot brick, because I wanted to, I spoke to the therapist and I wanted to talk it over I wanted to talk over at the hospital, but the therapist contacted the hospital and told them we'd done this. And week or so before the hospital appointment got a notification saying they were cancelling. And I didn't know where I was or what we were doing and I begged them to let us at least come up and talk about it and I said we would drop the private hormones if that meant we were kept on. Because to have the assurance that it's been handled by the NHS and that it's all responsibly done and it's responsibly sourced was such a reassuring feeling, even if we had to wait forever for it. It was, it made me happier that I was doing something safe and positive.

It's the times on the waiting list where you don't know what's gonna happen. It's the not understanding that there seems to have been a shift in, if you seek private help that you will automatically be dropped. I hadn't realised that. And I had wanted to talk over the situation and we weren't given that opportunity. I had to really go out of my way to get that help and that opportunity to discuss things. And I did feel very let down in that instance and it was really letting down my daughter because if we were cut free, I had no idea as to, not no idea and I'm not decrying the private health that's available. But, to have the NHS, to have that tried and tested assurance especially when it's only me making decisions for my daughter and with my daughter, obviously now cause she's 18. It helps a lot.

How has her mental health been since she started on that journey?

It's much better. It's gradually improved and I haven't had any self-harm. I know, she hasn't been self-harming for [sighs] it's probably a good year. And even then, it's, (it had) slowed down, considerably. She was having terrible panic attacks and but she got herself back on course when she went to sixth form college. And her academic side really picked up. And she really seemed to be starting to pull herself together. And she got the confidence to come out completely, socially. And she's so much more positive about herself. She's still, you know, the dysphoria is still there. She still gets angry. And she's a typical teenager, she’s really grumpy [laughs]. But, yeah, she's becoming more, she's, there's fewer panic attacks. She's less anxious about things. She's prepared to go out and meet people. She’s prepared to go out as herself. And, I mean, she flew off to [name of country] to see one of her friends and they were going out together as themselves. She's just blossomed, absolutely. I could still throttle her sometimes, but it's like a normal, you know, teenager. And it's so much better. I’m not worrying that the police are gonna come to my door and say that she’s gone, anymore. So it's much better.

Right my daughter when she was at primary school was very [sighs] anxious and I didn't really have any idea as to why. But we did get ELSA support at school which helped to an extent. And then she went to secondary school and she was very again, extremely anxious. And the SEN support there was not constructive at all. In fact, it was counter, counter forgot the word.

Counterproductive?

Counterproductive. That's it. So that was fine. And then in the, I think it was year 8 things were getting really bad and I was having difficulty getting her to attend school. I had to drive her to school and be quite assertive at getting her to go in. And she did. However, I did a referral to CAMHS myself through our GP. And because I thought it was getting beyond just something that we could cope with. But just before Christmas she, Christmas that year she tried to kill herself.

And at that point we then got the emergency appointment with CAMHS. And at the same time as our referral came through which had basically taken from the September to just on January. It was, you know, [sighs] I'd already been flagging it up, which is a bit disappointing and saying how desperate we were, but hey ho [sighs]. And at CAMHS the therapist was very supportive. But I was very aware that they had a very limited timeframe and we did feel very much that we were on a programme of 12 weeks in and out, and you had to be sorted by then. She still hadn't told me at that point what the problem was. Although, I was starting to get a feel for it [sighs]. So, I had begged them, I literally had begged them to carry on keeping her on until the next start of (school) year, because I knew trying to get her to go back into school at the start of that year would be horrendous. And they did agree but we were seeing a different therapist at that point. And I don't know what, that after we'd had various incidents where she'd had actually picked her up from school to go to her therapist session and she cut herself while in the classroom. So I was trying to alert school and the school were trying to help, but there wasn't very much provision in school going back. So CAMHS eventually, just before the first therapist ended, she told me what the problem was that she was trans. And but she didn't, she couldn't get the courage up to tell the therapist. And I didn't want to circumvent how she actually felt. And eventually we managed to tell the other therapist and I knew that they were supposed to do a referral to CAMHS, not to CAMHS to the (GIDS) adolescent services, but I was told at that point that they didn't handle things like that and we were just basically cut loose and left to float. It then took my daughter a great deal of time and soul searching to be able to then go to our GP, who has been extremely supportive, in order to then make the referral to the [Gender Identity Development Services]. By which time, the waiting list had doubled, waiting times had doubled.

We were under [Gender Identity Development Service] and my daughter was very keen to go on puberty blockers and how long was it she--Yeah, she was fifteen and when she was going and she was really desperate. The anxiety about everything developing and, and her voice hadn't broken when we went, initially. But obviously it has, it did [sighs]. She was very frustrated, because she wanted that space and time just marched on.

I wish it'd move a bit quicker, but you know, you know yeah. I also did feel that my daughter was desperate to go on puberty blockers, which would have given her more of a breathing space to explain how she felt that she was a bit let down there, because we had to delay so long. And yeah, there’s been a lot of changes (physical) which she's even more unhappy with.

My daughter had got really impatient about not being able to access medical hormones and suppressants. So there was information about people having gone privately. And I was very worried, because my daughter was going online internationally. And she was talking about “oh, I'll get hormones from wherever” and that's very frightening, because I don't know what quality they are. It's not monitored. It's you know, picking something out there from god knows what is, not good. But she was so desperate. And we, I wanted to talk it over with the clinic [sighs]. I got, really fell into the situation where I had to investigate the private route, which was really very expensive, from the point of view that I couldn't support it. And, and not particularly satisfactory, cause it's not really available in Britain. But it's, [sighs] it was, it was good, cause I was able to go online and find out about other people's experiences where we had finally got a referral to the [name of city] Hospital to get suppressants. And, but, unfortunately by the start of those, I had given them to my daughter and said, we would try and get private hormones. What I hadn't realised, at that point is that although I contacted our GP and talked to the private supplier of the hormones and they said they were happy to do shared care. I didn't realise that the hospital didn’t do that and that they were going to drop us like a hot brick, because I wanted to, I spoke to the therapist and I wanted to talk it over I wanted to talk over at the hospital, but the therapist contacted the hospital and told them we'd done this. And week or so before the hospital appointment got a notification saying they were cancelling. And I didn't know where I was or what we were doing and I begged them to let us at least come up and talk about it and I said we would drop the private hormones if that meant we were kept on. Because to have the assurance that it's been handled by the NHS and that it's all responsibly done and it's responsibly sourced was such a reassuring feeling, even if we had to wait forever for it. It was, it made me happier that I was doing something safe and positive.

So, how did you first learn about the different terms and identities related to gender identity and diversity?

Basic ones I've known since probably I was about 18. But you know, formal terms like assigned gender the being gender fluid or these things I, it was not, well the terms, until two or three years ago when my daughter started to attending the [Gender Identity Development Service]. I had a vague awareness but not in any depth before that. So it's not until we actually started at the Gender Identity Services that I became aware of just how vast array there is.

There’s lot of people who have an opinion on gender issues who have no idea about what diversity means. To be also understanding that [sighs] that as I say there's a lot of uninformed opinions. There's a lot of people who are professionals and you think are supposed to be supportive who then undermine the support that you think's there. Sorry, I'm referring, referring to the idea that adolescents have been fast tracked through onto hormone therapy. If anything our experience has been the exact opposite.

I love her. Nothing would change that. I did go online and read things about people saying, “oh, feels as if I'm bereaved and I'd lost I did go online and read things about people saying, “Oh, feels as if I'm bereaved and I'd lost my child”. And I thought that's really silly. But it wasn't until about a year later that all of a sudden I realised that when I couldn't have the pictures up of my child when she was little. And because it distresses her that she wouldn't let me have photographs of her now that I realised that I'd never really known my child. That I'd missed out on a big bit of her life and that she'd missed out on a big bit of her life. And then it really struck home that, you know, somebody's been living in this tortured state and I haven't been able to do anything about it.

I'd known quite a few people on the gay scene. So I'd met a few people who were trans and but not, I didn't know any in any great depth [sighs]. I knew it wasn't sort of straightforward and simple. I knew that there was a lot of anxiety and a lot of prejudice. But I know that, I also wasn't aware of the extent of the diversity of people who were trans. I don't think I'll ever quite get to grips with the 56 or whatever definitions around [laughs] of trans. It's just people as far as I’m concerned. But I suppose I did have quite a black and white views that if you're trans you would follow the pathway of changing completely and complete physical surgery So, yeah, I'd probably had a more black and white view.

And this has now changed?

Yeah. I'm more aware that, just as there is with everyone, there's different grades of people seeing themselves as where they want to end up and their change over time. And it's not just the intellectual idea, but also the appreciation of that. We'll just have to wait and see where we end up.

One of the things I did feel from the therapy sessions that they didn't raise the problems that my daughter would be likely to encounter in the future. It was very much led by what her concerns were and there was a sort. They did address that you know, if you are not going to pass that you have to accept that. But not, you know, how to deal with that. Maybe some sort of role play sessions for them to, how are you gonna deal with it and how would you diffuse it. How are you going to afterwards deal with your own reactions to it. That, that would have been very beneficial for her. Now, I think they had adolescent sessions that they could attend at the groups during the summer. But again, those were very dominated by the ones who were more confident in themselves, which isn't going to be the answer for my daughter. So, yeah that would have been really constructive for her and quite reassuring that I knew that she knew how to deal with these things.’

Practical help with the sort of clothes and how to dress and how to deal with like facial hair and stuff like that would be helpful. I know the cosmetic stuff (surgery) is no longer available on the NHS. But at least more information about it.