Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people
Feelings of love, loss, change and continuity
The parents we spoke to had a range of emotional responses to their child’s coming out and social transition. All feelings are valid and there is no right way to feel. Some parents felt a sense of loss for their son or daughter, and went through a period they described as a type of ‘grief’ or ‘bereavement.’ Others expected to feel bereaved, sometimes because other people around them thought they were going through loss, but in fact, they did not feel that way. Some parents never expected to feel bereaved and found it quite offensive when people referred to a sense of loss/grief. They recognised their child was still the same person and did not feel a sense of loss. For some, like Josie, Ali and Georgina, the experience meant they got to know their child better. As Josie explained: ‘You haven't lost your child, it's just… you know more about them than you did before.’
Possible feelings of bereavement and loss
Some people did not feel bereaved themselves or had these feelings only briefly but said they understood that others might feel this way. Josie described her feelings of being bereaved as ‘really bad and really stupid as well,’ because she felt it was not a ‘real’ loss. She said: ‘lots of parents have lost a child. We are really lucky, our child didn't go anywhere.’ For Josie, she said ‘you can't understand why you even felt like that, so it passes.’
Lesley did not experience grief herself but she talked about how for some parents feeling sad, grieving and anger can come up. She felt it was important to acknowledge that it is okay to have these feelings. For Mel, who is a step mum of a trans girl, her stepdaughter was ‘always who she is now’, but she understood how that was different for her husband, who experienced feelings of loss for his son.
Lesley talked about how it is important to acknowledge that it is okay to feel sad, bereaved, or angry.
Lesley talked about how it is important to acknowledge that it is okay to feel sad, bereaved, or angry.
I think for some people it centres around grief. Some people feel that their child that they knew, that it’s no longer the same child. But actually when you realise it is the same person then you have to deal with things on your own and in response to them it’s a hard juggling act sometimes.
Mel understood her husband’s feelings of loss for his son, even if she recognised her stepdaughter was always the person she is now.
Mel understood her husband’s feelings of loss for his son, even if she recognised her stepdaughter was always the person she is now.
I know from my husband he, yeah, he had to do a lot of soul searching around what it meant, and grieving. This loss of a son. But to me, I think it was just like son in word, like the, what a boy is, what boys are supposed to do, she was never any of those things, ever. She was only ever the person that she is now. So, but I understand it from his perspective, you know, what having a son means to him or meant to him and all that sort of thing.
For parents who felt bereaved, it could at times be difficult to look after their own emotional needs as well as the needs of their family. Lisa described how difficult it was to manage her son’s transition whilst making sure her other children were also supported and how that left no space for a grieving process she felt she needed. She felt it was both ‘really exciting’ to ‘get to know’ her son but this was also ‘tied in with the loss of my daughter.’
Lisa talked about feelings of loss for her ‘little girl’ and the excitement of getting to know her son.
Lisa talked about feelings of loss for her ‘little girl’ and the excitement of getting to know her son.
I found it as a mother, I found it, I could cry about it now thinking how tough it was. I felt like I lost my daughter. I didn’t feel like I could, there was nothing, I couldn’t, I couldn’t engage in a grieving process, which is what I think I should have done to manage the process for me in a healthy way. Because I was trying to support everybody else and it was a very busy time. Not only was I trying to support my son in his transition, I was also trying to make sure the other children felt supported. Also, trying to make sure they didn’t feel neglected, because obviously a lot of my time and focus was on my son. Also, trying to get in place everything that he needed at school. Also, trying to manage the issues that it was creating within my household. And in all of that, my little girl had gone and it got lost.
But, on the positive side, I had this amazing new son. He changed overnight, wasn’t just his physical presentation. His personality changed; it was remarkable. And so I had a new child that I had to get to know, which was really exciting, but, at the same time, it was kind of, in my mind it was tied in with the loss of my daughter. So I probably couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would have wanted to. So I felt that that was probably the most difficult time for me.
Josie talked about how people can feel bereaved and how these feelings pass with time.
Josie talked about how people can feel bereaved and how these feelings pass with time.
It was really bad and really stupid as well, because you know, some people really are bereaved. Lots of, lots of parents have lost a child. We are really lucky, our child didn't go anywhere. Yeah, yeah, I did. I did. I like I say, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I think a lot of people go through that. But then, first of all you realise that you haven't lost your child, it's just there's something you know them, you know more about them than you did before. You know them better than you did before. And yeah, they are not a different person. And then, you know, one day you, you wake up and you can't understand why you even felt like that, so, it passes.
Change and continuity
Many people, instead of feeling a sense of loss or having ongoing feelings of loss, emphasised that their child continued to be their child even as changes in their lives took place. For Ali, the recognition that her child was the same person as before also came with knowing that ‘I love her. Nothing would change that.’ Ross felt he could not relate to parents who felt bereaved. He said he ‘couldn’t get his head around’ the fact that some people felt they lost their child, when for him it was ‘still exactly the same child.’
Ross talked about not being able to relate to other parents’ feelings of bereavement.
Ross talked about not being able to relate to other parents’ feelings of bereavement.
It was, it was a bit of an eye opener, because meeting other parents there that were having grievance counselling, cause they'd lost a child. I just couldn't get my head round at all. It's the worry you have and your child's still sitting on the sofa next to you. It's in essence it's still the same child, a change in gender but you are their parent and you haven't lost a child. Personally, I couldn't get my head round it. I couldn't understand why it was such a big thing that you haven't lost your child at all. Your child is still there. In essence, it's still exactly the same child.
Kate expected to feel bereaved and was surprised when she didn’t. She thought she ‘would feel more of a loss’ than she actually did also because people around her thought that what she was going through must be ‘awful’. She recognised her son was still the same person, but one who was now also happier than before his social transition.
Kate expected to feel grief but instead recognised her son was still the same person.
Kate expected to feel grief but instead recognised her son was still the same person.
I think because I just thought that not having a daughter anymore and not having those, looking back wouldn’t be the same and looking forward wouldn’t be the same. So, you know, ever since, I always felt from when I was pregnant that my son was a girl when I was pregnant. So, I think from although we never found out the gender, while I was pregnant I was always that’s ‘I’ve got a little girl.’ And then, you picture and you don’t plan, I wasn’t planning like a white wedding with, you know, a horse and carriages and stuff. But you kind of get an idea and you look to the future and you think how that, how that’s gonna go. And my dad had died earlier in the year and I think I was already struggling with grief anyway. I just thought it would be another loss and more grief. But actually because he’s exactly the same person it didn’t, it didn’t impact us that way, in the end.
Other parents have said to me, ‘I can’t imagine what it would be like. I can’t imagine how upset I would feel if my daughter wasn’t my daughter anymore.’ And I think people, I think people, yeah, put a lot on daughter or son, rather than child. Whereas, my son is pretty much exactly the same as he was other than he’s a bit happier, because everyone loves him and rather than having to pretend to be somebody else. But I think other people they imagine for themselves what it’s gonna be like and they think it’s gonna be awful. It’s not, not necessarily.
Ali and Georgina also described how it could be difficult to realise that they perhaps had not known their child as well as they thought before they expressed their gender identity. They described how any feelings of loss were already in the past, and felt their trans or gender diverse child was a gain.
When Georgina’s son made the decision to ‘present to the world as… who he was,’ she understood a change was about to take place and this felt ‘really, really, really strange’.
When Georgina’s son made the decision to ‘present to the world as… who he was,’ she understood a change was about to take place and this felt ‘really, really, really strange’.
The fact that he was wanted it outside of the home was the, the new thing. So I consider that to be his coming out day. Because that was when he, wanted to present to the world as somebody was who he was. And something that I noticed straight away about that was when I very much felt like I'd put my little girl to bed and I came downstairs and I said, I feel like I've just put her to bed and he's gonna wake up in the morning. And it was really strange, really, really, really strange feeling. Probably a little bit like when you go for a caesarean section you know you're gonna have a baby the next day. Must be really odd. But yeah, he responded to that name straight away whenever we said it. Whereas his old name it used to take us quite a while to get his attention [laughs]. We realise it was, it was never his name was it, you know? So that was kind of like a bit of a heart breaking realisation.
Remembering the past, imagining the future
Sometimes feelings of loss would come up for parents when they looked at pictures of their children from before the transition. D talked about feelings of loss that he experienced when he looked at old photographs of his ‘gorgeous daughter’ who is now his ‘wonderful son’. For Ali, old photos brought out a sense of loss that was not for the child she had, but for the fact that she missed out on a big part of her daughter’s life before she transitioned. She talked about how she wished she could have done more to help her daughter sooner.
D experienced feelings of loss when looking at old photos of his child.
D experienced feelings of loss when looking at old photos of his child.
I suppose it happened because it happened sort of gradually over a few years, I got used to that in a sense. The feeling of loss happens when I look at old photographs of when she was young. I just think, oh my God, what happened, you know? So it’s that feeling of loss, yes is that there was this gorgeous daughter, you could say. And now I have a wonderful son. I mean, he’s fantastic. I mean, I love him. But it’s like, there was that person there and now I have this one instead, it’s kind, you know, you know it’s the same of course. But it’s different. It’s yeah, it’s difficult to explain that. I think, yes, there is a sense of bereavement there over a period of time. But it’s when it’s, when you look back at old photos.
Ali didn’t understand people’s feelings of bereavement but did feel she missed a big part of her daughter’s life before the transition.
Ali didn’t understand people’s feelings of bereavement but did feel she missed a big part of her daughter’s life before the transition.
I love her. Nothing would change that. I did go online and read things about people saying, “oh, feels as if I'm bereaved and I'd lost I did go online and read things about people saying, “Oh, feels as if I'm bereaved and I'd lost my child”. And I thought that's really silly. But it wasn't until about a year later that all of a sudden I realised that when I couldn't have the pictures up of my child when she was little. And because it distresses her that she wouldn't let me have photographs of her now that I realised that I'd never really known my child. That I'd missed out on a big bit of her life and that she'd missed out on a big bit of her life. And then it really struck home that, you know, somebody's been living in this tortured state and I haven't been able to do anything about it.
For others, like Richard, feelings of loss were more about losing the future he had imagined for his child.
Richard described the fear of losing his son as ‘imagined future’ without him.
Richard described the fear of losing his son as ‘imagined future’ without him.
So that was my fear losing my son who I was so close to and I guess I was imagining a future without my son rather than imagining a future with my child or my family. That was the anxiety, this sort of imagined future without my son. But the reality was that I had my child throughout that time and still do. So, it was just an imagined loss rather than a real one.
Also thinking about the future, D worried that ‘you’re not gonna have any grandchildren’, or at least not in the way that he had anticipated. Learn more about what people said about the different ways their young person imagined having a family in the future and what parents and carers thought about fertility preservation options for young trans and gender diverse people.
Mel thought her partner initially felt he had lost a son which was tied up with ‘the idea of what having a son means and what it represents and all that stuff. Having a name passed down the line and your genes.’ For her husband, it could take some time to process some of these feelings and, as Mel said, to see his daughter ‘was only ever the person that she is now.’
You can also find out more about the way people have made sense of their child’s gender identity and transition.