Kate

He had really long hair, which everybody would always go, ‘Oh, you’ve got amazing, beautiful, beautiful hair.’ And he started to just look more and more uncomfortable. So, I was saying, you know, ‘Why don’t you have your hair cut?’ And he was reluctant and so I just, I just left that, but we went on holiday and I didn’t really notice it on holiday, but when we came back and we were looking at photos, he really did just look like he was so uncomfortable, all the time. So, we talked about it some more and a couple of years ago he did have his hair cut and it was, it was so long and so thick that we actually sent it off to one of the charities that make up wigs, ‘cos it was, you know, it was such a big feature of him that, you know, everyone commented all the time. But once he had his hair cut, he kind of seemed lighter. But he also then started dressing a lot differently. So he’s never really been, not since he was tiny he had never really been fem-, particularly feminine. But then he wanted to start shopping in boys’ shops. And that was absolutely fine. And we just went along with that and we found a shop local to us, they never asked any questions. They didn’t mind what changing room he used. And he felt just really comfortable going there. So he hadn’t, before he told us, he hadn’t worn girl’s clothes for a good couple of years. But as he was starting to develop, which he did quite young, unfortunately. He was just more uncomfortable. So, we got into, you know, how he could kind of hide some of that as well. So, I think just the way he presented was really yeah it was really clear that it was gonna come. My husband and I remember probably about a year before he told us. I remember we were out for lunch and we were saying, you know, we just knew, at that point that it was coming. We just didn’t know when it was coming.

So, when our second referral into CAMHS when we had the appointment with the psychologist, the clinical psychologist there, that was quite detailed and that’s when we addressed the trans, you know, that’s the first time into CAMHS that, as far as I know he said that he was trans. They made the referral and they checked that we, that’s what we wanted and we were happy to do that, and we were. So, they referred us and, but they were clear that that didn’t mean we would be accepted onto the waiting list but then we got a letter to say that we were accepted onto the waiting list with obviously the explanation that that could be long. Yeah the thing about the acceptance letter was to our GP and we were just copied.

I think it’s a real shame. I think it’s, yeah. I find it very, I don’t think that there is anything else in healthcare where you’d ever have to wait that long. And I get that there are, you know, that demand has gone up. But, I don’t think someone should have to wait two years, eighteen months, two years to even get into the service, you know, to get that first initial discussion and appointment. It just seems, especially at this point in their lives, it just feels like you can make such a difference if they were seen sooner than have to drag it out. They’ve already gone through, you know, enough waiting and enough, you know, the courage to actually say, this is me. But then to be told well, you gotta wait for a year and a half or two years before we can even start moving down that path, I think is such a shame. And as a parent it’s horrible because there’s nothing you can do. And I was talking to a colleague at work, ‘cos I am, we’ve got a new LGBTQ forum. And I was, she said, so I went along and she said to me, ‘Why do you go? You’re not gay are you?’ And she’s absolutely lovely. And I said, ‘No.’ So I explained to her about my son. And she said to me, ‘Oh, is there anything we can do here? Can we get things moved along quicker?’ ‘No it’s very specialist service, there’s nothing. There is nothing you can do.’ And as a parent that’s really hard. You want to be able to make it better for them and there’s nothing you can do. That’s how it feels. It feels like there’s nothing you can do to help them, really.

It feels CAMHS has felt a bit disappointing, to be honest because the initial treatment that he was offered, the CBT, nothing to do with being trans just to do with self-harm and his suicidal thoughts. We didn’t feel ever gave him the techniques and support. I contacted them and said, you know, ‘I want to be able to help him.’ His six sessions are coming to an end. Are their techniques, is there something I can learn, something I can do? But really he was just told to do things like, ‘If you are feeling that way, watch the telly.’ And stuff like that. So, you know, really unhelpful. And we knew from the school that other people had that experience of this particular counsellor. So, nothing personal, she was a really nice lady. But just wasn’t doing what we needed. So, I think that was a poor experience. We then were told, you’re not gonna get any help. And it’s all, you feel this way just because you are trans. But actually the fact that he is trans, he does need support, even if that were all it were. I feel that he does need support, because his life is more complicated. He has the normal teenage stuff. But he has all that on top as well. So that’s been, that’s been disappointing, so far. We have been, once the GP referred us we had another assessment with CAMHS which was again really upsetting. They told him to try mindfulness colouring, which was amazing. Didn’t want to see me even though I had made the initial and I was there, I took time off work. I was there with him. And usually they’ll see me with him afterwards. And we had said how it impacts the family and everything. And that was one of our concerns. But they didn’t want to see me. So, we were expecting nothing from that. And we were like, well, we’ll wait and then we’ll complain and da, da, da. But he has been put on the waiting list. So, that’s a positive. But I am, my concern is that he’ll have his six sessions and then while he’s on the waiting list there doesn’t seem to be anything to keep an eye on him, while he’s on that waiting list.

I was trying to get him back into CAMHS, because he was, he was refused treatment the second time around.

Why was he refused treatment?

They basically said, ‘Everything that he was experiencing was because he was trans.’ And he is clever and he’s articulate and he’s mature. So, I think because he can express himself well, he’s not particularly emotional and so he won’t sit with a CAMHS counsellor or psychologist and be upset. He would be able to explain to them how he feels. They seem to think he’s fine. They seem to say, ‘Oh well, he seems quite well adjusted.’ And he has a really he doesn’t really have a sense of himself is one way he describes it. And he does, he does struggle with thoughts of self-harm. He has self-harmed. But he doesn’t do that at the moment.

But with thoughts of suicide and but they put that all down to being trans. Because they think that because his sense of self is changing that that’s why he has got of sense of himself. But he doesn’t feel that it’s all down to him being trans. So, yeah, they basically said, so he was referred to Tier 3 and they said that he wasn’t suitable for Tier 3. We weren’t, we didn’t know what, we still don’t know what Tier 2 is, what Tier 3 is. I guess Tier 3 is more severe or extreme, I don’t know on a higher level of care. But because we didn’t get that, we got nothing. And he was just referred to like self-referral things like off the record is a thing here that kids can just kind of access themselves. But what he wanted was the treatment he’d originally been offered, which we didn’t get. So, I, when he was clearly not coping well, when he joined the sixth form, I spoke we took him out of the sixth form and changed schools.

So, unfortunately for him, he started his periods very early at 10. So, he’s been, you know, for a long, long time he going through puberty. And he developed his breasts very early as well. With the whole binding thing, it, you know, it was clear that he was uncomfortable and didn’t want to look that way. So, he was trying to find sports bras that would be, would minimise his chest and so on. And I broached the subject of whether he wanted to use a binder. At that point, he was still adamant that he wasn’t trans. And he like, ‘Ah, Mm, yeah I could. But I’m not trans, mum, I promise I’m not trans.’ And so we went ahead and used the binder. And that that’s fine. He wears those all the time other than when he’s at home and he’s, when he gets home from school he tends to get into like comfy things like pyjamas and an old T-Shirt. He’ll sometimes still keep it on then. But, later on the day, he’ll sort of take that off. I’m probably not as strict as I should be about how long you’re supposed to keep them on for and so on. But, if there are other people around, he’ll always have it on. He’ll never—so, if we stay other than my mum, we go and stay with my mum and he’ll be, he doesn’t mind that. But if there are other people staying as well or other family, then he’ll always have his binder on now. Holidays are a bit of a problem in that, how do you go swimming and how do you do those sorts of things. He doesn’t really like that anymore. So, he has a binder that he can wear swimming and with a rash vest, so that it you know. But it’s not comfortable for him. So, we tried that this year and I don’t think we’ll necessarily be doing that again. And yeah, with the pill he’s only just started the pill but I think it will just be better for him that he has some control over that and knows when it’s gonna happen. And, obviously, hopefully, will, you know, decrease the, you know, the discomfort and the constant reminder that, you know, this is happening to him. So, yeah, he’s started that and I think he didn’t really push for that that much. But I think he is pleased that he’s doing that now.

How did you learn on all the stuff about the binders and how to use and when to use it and all that?

So, I started looking when he started dressing more as a boy and ‘cos it started slow. He’d have a few boy’s things. And then quite just gender-neutral. But then when he would only like get stuff that was made for boys I sort of started looking and the holiday, not this time when he has been binding, but the time before, I was trying to look for swimming costumes for holidays that would be more modest and less, ‘cos, you know, most swimming costumes are trying to show everybody’s, flaunt everybody’s features. And I just knew that that wasn’t comfortable for him. So, I was trying to find things and I found some kind of more, I think I started looking for ‘tomboy’. He was never a tomboy at all. But I thought, you know, tomboy like swimming or something. So, I just found stuff on the, on the internet. And then I found a site for binders and they were really good, actually, ‘cos they were really responsible and had like good information on there and so on. And as I noticed, some of those kind of websites which are for which are providing something for people from that community tend to have a bit more information there and point you in the right direction, so you kind of go off and, and find a bit more out. So, when he started binding, I was a bit stricter about well you can only wear this for this time and you mustn’t but actually it just makes him, we get decent ones so that it shouldn’t make him, you know, so it’s as comfortable as possible for him. And just so that he, I know that it makes him feel better to wear it. So, actually, although it might not be, you are only supposed to have them on only for a certain period of time. I’d rather he was comfortable and psychologically comfortable. So I don’t tend to nag him too much now.

So just for other people who might be thinking about binding what kind of information do you have about how a person should wear it?

So, there was, so I think they shouldn’t wear them when they’re exercising, which is a bit of a problem with swimming. So, yeah, shouldn’t wear them exercising. It should only really be on for eight hours. And the best ones, the ones that kind of do up at the sides and not glued, ‘cos they tend to crush more than sort of squash. So, they, there I think there is quite a bit of information out there. But it is, unfortunately, one of those things where it seems to be, you know, you have to pay a bit more to get something that is better for them, rather than gonna do any sort of damage.

He doesn’t want to. He has always been he’s never ever wanted children, ever. My nephew had a baby a few years ago, he’s five now. So, that would have made my son 11 and they are very close. And at that point, that’s the only point in his life where he has ever been like, maybe I would have a baby. But that lasted for a couple of weeks. And so we did talk about it. And he is adamant that he doesn’t want, he doesn’t want that. I said, ‘Well, what if you change your mind in the future?’ His view is that, if he does, he won’t mind whether that child is biologically his or not. He’s really not at all, doesn’t just, it isn’t an issue for him. It’s not something he wants to think more about.

There have been things that have been difficult because he has a lot of difficulty at school and stuff like that. So, those sorts of things are hard to, to manage, ‘cos it’s quite hard to manage with the school anyway and sometimes it’s hard to not get too emotional about things whilst still achieving the best for him. Sometimes I don’t feel that he’s had enough support. But also, sometimes, I think anything that he is experiencing is put down to the fact that he’s trans. Whereas, he is also just a teenager. So, I think it’s, it’s separating out what is just normal teenage life to what is the difficulties with having a trans child.

So, he is in a different school now, which he doesn’t particularly like. He doesn’t feel a member of particularly. He’s very, very, very guarded around other kids. There is he was, when I enrolled him, when we went to enrol, we got his name legally changed that morning. We got it witnessed so that he was always on the register as his male name so that there could be no mix up. And so he was, he has still been misgendered by teachers there which he finds very upsetting obviously because his name is you know, categorically a boy’s name. There’s no room for, it’s not an ambiguous name. But we have, I said to him, we need to sort it out straight away, not just let it drag on. So, I got in touch with the person at school and that was sorted out. And they apologised to him so, you know, that’s good. They’ve dealt with that well.

It got worse when he had his hair cut. He started binding as well, wearing a binder. And so, that was a much obvious sign to everybody that he was different to them. He had told them that he was gay some years earlier. So, I think that whole, you know—I don’t know that they thought he was trans or what they thought. But they were vicious. And to be fair to the school because we didn’t know. We didn’t tell them and so the school couldn’t do anything about it. I do sometimes feel let down that nobody noticed at school. That nobody kind of was looking out for him. Especially, as he had had these problems before and the main person that was causing him the problems was the same person from previous years. So, I do sometimes feel quite disappointed that, actually nobody, nobody thought to even ask the question. And he put on a lot of weight and things like that ‘cos and I would talk to him about that. Not in a, you know, not in a horrible way. Well I tried not to be in a horrible way. But you could tell when he was having a particularly bad time, but I didn’t really know what it was about, because he would eat more and secretly and things like that. So, there were lots of, there were signs but you would ask him and he would say, everything was fine. But I do you think the school maybe should have seen something. When we did go and tell school, we had to in year eleven, he didn’t, he was on a restricted timetable and he didn’t actually go to school as much. He went every day. So, he was brilliant in that his attendance didn’t suffer. But he was not in any social time at school, so he was completely isolated. So, he went, he missed tutor group at the beginning of the day. At break time, he was given a special place to go to. At lunchtime, he would come home and then he wouldn’t return to lessons after lunch. He, out of his ten subjects, he didn’t go to three of them anymore because he just felt unsafe in those lessons. He felt unsafe in social times at school. So, in year ten, his, he just kind of existed at school as a bit of a ghost, if you like.

Some things make me really cross. Some things make me really hopeful. I think that it’s good that it’s now not so you know, a hidden taboo kind of thing. I think that that will lead to more acceptance. And, you know, so I think it’s good that we’ve, that it’s started and definitely different to how it was ten years ago. I mean, I can’t, when I was at school, I’m sure there were trans kids or kids that wanted to come out as trans, but they didn’t do it at school, there is just no way. So, we have moved forward. I don’t think we’ve moved forward anywhere near enough. I think that it’s still it would be lovely to get to the point where it wasn’t an issue. The head teacher at my son’s previous school when we went to meet him about an issue he was very clear that he wouldn’t stand for this nonsense, not about being trans, about kids bullying him. And he said, ‘The only thing I’m intolerant of is intolerance.’ I get what he means. But, you know, trans kids aren’t there to be tolerated. They are just kids. So I think, I think we’re moving in the right direction. But I don’t think we are there yet. And but it’s good that there’s debate and discussion. And there is more awareness.

I think we were all prepared, my husband and I were prepared to, we knew it was coming. But my younger son had no idea, he had no idea. He says now that he can’t believe he had no idea, ‘cos it’s so obvious. But he just had never really considered it. You know, he was always absolutely fine with him wearing boy’s clothes and looking like a boy and he used to be addressed as he, when we went out. People, you know, mistook him for a boy then. My younger son was actually absolutely fine with that. But when I told him, that night, because my son didn’t wanna tell anyone. I had to tell everyone, which was quite hard, actually. But he really cried. He really, really cried. But after that, he’s and it was just before my son’s birthday, so we had to instead of getting daughter cards and we had to go to son cards. Although I hadn’t been getting cards with gender specific things on them, ‘cos I knew that that was a, that was upsetting. But my son was like, that means I don’t get a sister card. I haven’t got a sister any more. And but, he went out and bought him a brother card and he’s been fine since. So, yeah, it was, it was very emotional but I think because it wasn’t a massive shock it was, it wasn’t as hard as we thought it was gonna be, the actual telling.’

I don’t think there’s a lot of information so, you know, you have to go and kind of try and find stuff out for yourself. And so, I know that there is loads that I don’t know. Absolutely loads that I don’t know. And information that might be helpful to me and therefore to him and to the people around us that, you know, with my husband and my other son. So, I do think that’s a problem. I do think having to, you know, not saying things like Mermaids. They should absolutely exist, but that shouldn’t be your primary source of information. You know, if you, if you were accessing healthcare for another reason, you wouldn’t have to go to a support group or an interest group or something like that to get information. And so I do think that that is, I do think that is a difference with accessing trans care for trans kids.

So, the youth club that my son goes to also runs a parent group. And I’ve been to that a couple of times and that’s great. That’s really, you know, it’s really helpful. But there’s such a mix of people there. I have only been twice. And they had a session yesterday and I didn’t go, because it’s just sometimes it makes me feel worse, because I don’t particularly have a problem, I don’t think. Maybe I do and I’m just not facing things, I don’t know. But it’s like day to day, I feel fine. And I don’t feel upset and it’s just not an issue for us. So, actually going along and talking about it makes it more upsetting somehow. Maybe I need to do that. I don’t know. And also some people, there are parents there that really struggle. And I don’t feel that I have much to offer them because so far, I haven’t found it a struggle. But there’re also people a lot different points in their journey. So, some people’s children are much older. So, they’re going through treatment or they’ve just started treatment. Or they’re not at school anymore and they are now at university or at work. So, and it’s only a small group. So, actually, you do still all have very individual experiences. So, sometimes ‘cos we’re quite, feel like we’re the newbies. We are quite new to this. And not having some of those issues. And I’m not necessarily the greatest like group sharer. So it’s helpful and it’s helpful to know it’s there and I appreciate the sentiment and I think it’s great that it’s there. We did have a session from people that came from the Gender Identity Development Service, but for the adults. And they came to give us information and discussion and that was really helpful. So, I think where I can get information, I find it really helpful. Where it’s more about sharing experiences that hasn’t been as helpful.

I think talk to them. Talk to your child. Make sure that they know that you love them and that you love them as your child, not as your son or as your daughter. If you need help, get that help try not to worry about things that you don’t know are gonna be a problem. I spent a lot of time worrying about what the rest of my family would think. How they would feel and whether we would be left with them or not. I think I worried that it would just end up the four of us, my husband and I and my two boys. But everyone’s been amazing. So, yeah, don’t worry about the things that you don’t necessarily need to worry about yet. But get as much information as you can. Yeah, stay in touch with your child as much as you can. Make them, make them as secure and comfortable as you can. And spot, try and spot those signs that actually if they are uncomfortable wearing a certain thing or being expected to behave in a certain way that you make it okay for them not to do those things anymore.

I think the pathway could be clearer. I think, yeah. It would just be good to for it to be quicker. So just getting into it would be quicker. So, actually, even if we were then told, you know, for surgery he would have to wait this long, but we knew that. Then we could consider whether we could afford to you know, do it privately and whether that would be the right thing. But it just feels like we are on hold. So, even if every, even if they can’t say, right, okay, you get an appointment and your journeys gonna start and it’s all gonna be wrapped up beautifully in a package in six months’ time and everyone’s gonna go away happy. That would be lovely, lovely. But if we could just get that initial so you’re in the system and you have some information and the healthcare professional has met your child and spoken to them and they have information and they feel like, you know, they’re moving forward and something’s gonna happen. I think I think that would be good. Obviously, you know, more resource, so that there is a much shorter waiting list would be great. I don’t really, I don’t really subscribe to the view that oh well, you know, it’s a long waiting list, but actually this is a really difficult thing and people might change their minds and da, da, da. Actually, your assessment should work out whether the person is ready for treatment or not. Actually they don’t need 18 months to think about it if actually you do a good assessment and yes, this person has made their mind up. They are absolutely clear this is who they are. This is what they need. It would be great if it would be quicker.

He hasn’t changed, his name has changed. I mean, for us, it wasn’t a big shock. He wasn’t dressing in you know, lovely dresses and loads of make-up and going out with boys. He would go out with boys now, but you know, he wasn’t being typical heterosexual girl. So it wasn’t a massive shock. But I just say, you know, it wasn’t you know, he is the same person and he’s happier now. And that most parents if you ask them what they want for their kids, they want their kids to be happy. And, yeah, our path to that probably would be trickier than some people’s. And I’m not so naïve to think that it’s all gonna just be easy. I know it’s not easy. And I wish he had had it easy, you know. His life was gonna be easier and I know that it’s not going to be as easy as it would be for some people. But yeah, but he’s the same person. And people say, my boss said to me yesterday he said, ‘Oh, you’ve done brilliantly.’ ‘cos he knew I was thinking of going to this parents group. ‘You’ve done so fantastically.’ I said, ‘No, I, I haven’t, not really. I’ve just been a mum and I do get uncomfortable with that when people go ‘Oh, I can’t imagine and that’s such a big deal.’ Whereas day to day, it’s not. It’s just, just the same. Just the same as it was.