Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people

I would tell them to talk to other parents and talk to other trans and gender diverse young people. I would tell them to seek help if they need it. I would tell them that it's gonna be okay. And tell them it's gonna be fine. I would tell them not to worry. But I would also tell them, you know, if they go through a period when they're feeling really sad and you know, feeling bereaved, I would tell them not to beat themselves up about that, either.

One is to get the support or have the support of your family, because it can be quite lonely and isolating. So you really must seek out to connect with other parents of trans kids, because there is a commonality in shared experience. All our journeys are different, but there is a commonality that means other parents get it. You don’t really need to explain. They just go “oh yeah I know.” 

I would say that you should just be led by the child and if a child is saying that they want to go to school in a uniform, particular uniform or they want to dress in clothes different to what they are dressing in at the moment, that you should just go with what they want and take, take it day by day and be led by the child also just to try and get as informed as possible. Join local support groups and seek out other parents who've gone through the experience. Everybody's experience is different, but everybody can bring, every experience can bring something that'd be useful for you to know. And even just having that community that you can call upon if you need to ask a question can make the difference and give you confidence really to do the best for your child. And not doubt, yeah, not doubt, not doubt your child and not be pressured by anybody else. Just go by what your child wants to do.

The good news is that you still have your child and your fear of losing your son or your daughter is just imagined because you still have your child and you still have your family. You haven’t actually lost anything. You just imagine that you have…

So the advice is, be gentle with yourself when you are feeling upset or anxious because you are imagining an outcome rather than experiencing the outcome.

Very often you are gonna be their rock. You are gonna be the only person they're gonna trust and feel safe with. And you've gotta keep that there. If you start losing that then you're gonna lose your child. They'll throw 'themselves in front of a train. And it will happen, because everybody's gotta have somebody to share their problems with. And if they don't feel they can share it with their parent then, even if the parent's unsupportive of the transition that you kind of need to be there just for their child. It's still their child, whether they're male or female shouldn't make any difference, but some it does. It's kind of—but listen and take 'em seriously, because if, for them, it is a real serious big thing. And if it's a phase, well then it will pass. If it is a fad, it will pass. So, keeping the communication open. If it is only a fad or a phase let them know that it's completely okay to experiment to try and if they want to U-turn that's completely okay as well. You're backing them unconditionally. It doesn't matter. But keeping that communication open, so you know what's going on in their head.

Really, really, listen to what their child is saying. To have patience with themselves, with their child, with the process. To try and get as much balanced information as they can and not worry, ‘cos so many are saying, what’s such and such is gonna say. It really isn’t important what others think. We may think that it is, but, for us it’s just not important. What’s the most important thing is that, you know, your child’s wellbeing and their health and that’s the most important thing. Everything else can just wait and fall by the wayside. Everyone else can manage their own opinions about stuff. But that understanding and love. If you can support and understand your child and give them unconditional love and give them a place to feel safe when they can like really express and be themselves, I think they’ll be in a lot stronger position and everyone would just feel a lot more [sighs] ah, don’t know, don’t know. I don’t know.

I think talk to them. Talk to your child. Make sure that they know that you love them and that you love them as your child, not as your son or as your daughter. If you need help, get that help try not to worry about things that you don’t know are gonna be a problem. I spent a lot of time worrying about what the rest of my family would think. How they would feel and whether we would be left with them or not. I think I worried that it would just end up the four of us, my husband and I and my two boys. But everyone’s been amazing. So, yeah, don’t worry about the things that you don’t necessarily need to worry about yet. But get as much information as you can. Yeah, stay in touch with your child as much as you can. Make them, make them as secure and comfortable as you can. And spot, try and spot those signs that actually if they are uncomfortable wearing a certain thing or being expected to behave in a certain way that you make it okay for them not to do those things anymore.