Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people
Being an advocate for their child
The parents and carers we spoke to talked about discrimination and prejudice that trans children and adults face in society. Some parents felt they had to become advocates for their children. Adele said this was because parents are at the ‘forefront’ of the battle to make education, healthcare and communities better for trans children ‘when they’re still young and they haven’t [necessarily] got those skills yet to advocate for themselves.’ In this section you can read about parents becoming advocates for their trans and gender diverse children in their communities.
Interview 1 spoke about how parents are advocates for their trans children in all areas of life and the emotional toll when facing hostility.
Interview 1 spoke about how parents are advocates for their trans children in all areas of life and the emotional toll when facing hostility.
In the first couple of years, it's a lot of work to advocate for your child, cause you start off with, there's the point in which the parent says, ‘okay, I will accept my child as a girl’, but then, there's suddenly the moment when you're like, ‘oh, okay’ and you kind of think of all the other people in your child's life which there's lots of once you start like, you know, swimming teacher, gym teachers. You know, there's a lot of people in their life, grandparents and doctor and you suddenly realise you've got to help your child like you've got to advocate for your child with all these people in her life. And that’s really, really a lot of work and it's a lot of, it can be a lot of hostility from different individuals. And it's really, really emotionally hard work.
For some parents, having a trans, or gender diverse child meant that they took on the role of educators. This meant challenging the discriminatory views of colleagues’, acquaintances’, or sometimes strangers’ in relation to trans children and people. Parents often felt that being trans was misunderstood by the society and that their role was to address that whenever they could. For example, Andrew said: ‘I feel like I want to educate people, because our daughter is in a very small minority. It’s a genuine health issue.’ When his colleague said he ‘didn’t agree’ with people being transgender, Richard found this view to be old-fashioned and said that if they actually knew someone who is trans they would be able to understand them.
Challenging discriminatory or uninformed views was sometimes done together with the young trans person. Lisa described a situation when her and her son intervened in a conversation about being trans as a ‘choice’ that a group of people were having at a café. They offered their support and advice.
Lisa and her son intervened and offered support to a group of people in a café talking about being trans in a way that they found disrespectful and uninformed.
Lisa and her son intervened and offered support to a group of people in a café talking about being trans in a way that they found disrespectful and uninformed.
I was with my son, in a café the other day and the table just – it was only very small, like four or five tables – and the table across the way started talking to the owners about that one of them had a transgender nephew who had transitioned. And they kept using the wrong pronouns. And they kept referring to this kid by the wrong gender. And I said to and I said to my son, ‘Do you want me to say anything?’ And he said, ‘Let me just listen.’
And then so they started saying, you know, ‘Well, you know, these days you can be whatever you want to be and so on.’ And he then said, ‘Yeah, I would like you to say something, mum.’ I said, ‘Okay, well how about we offer some support. How about we say, if you feel comfortable with me saying that you are transgender. We can then say: Look if you would like, if your family member would like some support, either the adults or if the child would like to talk to my son, that’s okay because a lot of people don’t really understand that being transgender isn’t actually a choice’ and then we’ll give them my phone number.’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, that’s brilliant. We’ll do that.’
And we did that and the people who were discussing it were really embarrassed. But, you know, you could see that they were sort of checking, like ‘oh, what did we say, what did we say?’
Mel’s way of challenging people who questioned her and her partner’s choice to support her trans step-daughter was to tell them how much happier the child was as a result. She said: ‘I don’t wanna try and convert them, but I do put across, well this is how it is for us.’
Mel felt that she had to educate people who were questioning her support for her trans stepdaughter. Her way to do it was to talk about the positive impact of the social transition on her stepdaughter.
Mel felt that she had to educate people who were questioning her support for her trans stepdaughter. Her way to do it was to talk about the positive impact of the social transition on her stepdaughter.
Do you feel like you have to educate people around you and that you had to do it in the past about it?
Yeah. Still. And we are not, yeah, absolutely and some people are really shocked and ‘How could you let a child make these kinds of decisions? Why don’t you wait until they’re older?’ There is a lot, you know. And I can, I can understand what they’re saying, but it, from their perspective they haven’t got the full facts or the full picture. So, they’re just thinking, ‘Oh, wouldn’t it make sense if they…’—no it wouldn’t, not in her case and not in many other’s cases, you know. It’s just to even think of her going through a life of like self-harm and depression and you know, like severe anxiety because she can’t be who she is. I don’t think any of us would be able to live with ourselves. And as hard as this route is, really, really, really difficult, she is much more content and more happier child because she’s allowed to be who she wants to be or who, who she is. And that’s any time anyone has anything to say about it, that that’s what my line is. And, and actually I try not to take on board other people’s opinions. I don’t wanna try and convert them, but I do put across, well this is how it is for us. And it’s probably like that for quite a few others. You, you, you can’t know until you are in the situation and also you can’t know until you have all that information in front of you so you can make an informed opinion on kind of what’s going on.
For some parents, letting others know that they have a child who is trans or gender diverse was another way of educating people or stopping transphobic jokes, or comments. Andrew came out as a parent of a trans child to his dog walking friends, to stop them making derogatory comments about a trans woman who lived in the neighbourhood.
Andrew felt the need to tell his dog walking friends that his child was trans, because he was not comfortable with them making jokes about a trans woman who lived nearby.
Andrew felt the need to tell his dog walking friends that his child was trans, because he was not comfortable with them making jokes about a trans woman who lived nearby.
Well I walk the dogs most mornings with three or four guys down the park. They’re probably, two of them are older than me. One’s about the same, all from different walks of life. And we walk around the fields nearly every morning and there is a transgender lady that lives down the road who used to be a nurse. I remember before she transitioned, twenty years ago I knew this person. Anyway, she walks her dog down the park, sometimes at the same time as us and, and we can see her from a distance. And these three guys would often make little comments about this person, derogatory comments jokes, call it what you want to, really. And I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this, really. I wasn’t quite sure how to, how to handle this. Do I keep quiet? Just get on with it. Do I tell them that our youngest is transgender and that I’m telling you think guys because I don’t want you to say stuff that’s gonna make me angry. So I came out one day and told them in the morning, I said, ‘Just to let you know guys, ‘cos you talk about it when you see this lady and our youngest is transgender.’ And then there was a slightly awkward, awkward pause for twenty seconds, whatever and then somebody might say, ‘Oh gosh.’ You know. ‘That’s interesting.’ And then maybe I just tried to explain it in a nutshell what, what it’s all about maybe in a couple of sentences. But anyway they know that our youngest is transgender. I felt the need to tell them, because I wasn’t happy with them making jokes about this transgender lady that we occasionally see down the park.
And have they stopped making these jokes?
Yeah, they have, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think they, because they know that we have a transgender child that they probably think about that before they open their mouth and make some derogatory comment.
In our interviews, parents and carers also spoke about how they actively looked for support for themselves and their family and how they searched for information.
See also Resources for links to further information.