Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people
Coming out as trans or gender diverse
The term ‘coming out’ often refers to lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people disclosing their sexual orientation. For trans or gender diverse people, coming out describes the act of disclosing a person’s trans status or gender identity to another person. There is no one standard story or way of coming out as trans or gender diverse. People can identify as trans at different points in their lives (see young people talking about different trans journeys and pathways and about coming out).
Coming out to parents as a young person, who lives away from home, may be different to having conversations about gender identity as a younger child.
Parents and carers we spoke to shared stories of their children coming out to them, but some also spoke about other ways of learning about their child’s gender identity.
In this section, you can read more about their different experiences. Some of the things parents talked about:
- The way they came to learn about their child’s gender identity;
- How they felt when their child came out to them;
- Telling their partner or ex-partner about their child’s gender identity.
Parents learning about their child’s gender identity
For some parents of older children it was common to have their child come out to them as trans, either in a conversation, or by text.
Jan spoke about being aware that there was something going on for her daughter and described the experience of her daughter coming out to her as trans by text.
Jan spoke about being aware that there was something going on for her daughter and described the experience of her daughter coming out to her as trans by text.
Probably from around the age of 15,16 we were aware that there was something going on, but we didn't really understand, as parents what that was. We tried to be sort of supportive and boost her confidence and, and what have you. But really she was a girl, trying to be a boy we didn't know that at the time. So she was just turned 18 when she came out. She came out to me actually by text. So she'd messaged me to say, she'd been out for a night out, messaged me to say, would I open the gate for her and I said, ''I will do but I'll be in bed when you get home.'' And she said, ''No, please wait up, I need to talk.'' So I knew whatever it was that had been going on for all this time that I was gonna find out what it was. And to be fair, I thought she was gonna tell me that she was gay. And I've spent a lot of time telling all my kids, I don't have any concerns or I don't care what they are as long as it's legal and they're happy that's all that mattered. So that's what I expected and then just shortly after getting that message to say, please stay up, I got a very long text. And it was one that she'd apparently written probably about two years before, had sat on a phone for all that time and she'd never dared press the send button. So she pressed the send button and read it and I was very shocked, to be fair, because I didn't really understand what trans was about. But I messaged her back and I just said, drive carefully, cause it was late and it was winter and it was quite, quite icy. And I said, I'll have the kettle on when you get home. And we just sat and talked into the early hours of the morning, really. And that was the start of our journey, really.
For parents of younger children, the process was often different and included conversations about things such as names, appearance and the body.
For example, one parent talked about her son wanting to be called by a boy’s name outside of the home when he was 7 years old. She considered that as his ‘coming out day’. Another parent described how she accidentally discovered that her child was looking at images of male bodies on the internet. This led to a conversation about how the child felt about their own body and the mismatch they felt between their ‘inside and outside.’ One mother said about her child that they have had ‘trouble with their gender identity’ since they were 4 years old. She said: ‘They’ve kind of said, on and off that they don’t identify with the gender that they were assigned at birth… They’ve said this to me. They’ve said this to their dad and they’ve said this to teachers at school, across the years, right going back to when they were four.’
Georgina talked about her son’s wanting to be called by a boy’s name outside of the home and how she felt that was the day he came out.
Georgina talked about her son’s wanting to be called by a boy’s name outside of the home and how she felt that was the day he came out.
He wanted us to call him a boy's name and he asked if we could get it to be changed at the register at school and things like that. Now, that bit was new for us, because he had mentioned a few things before, it’s always been the same name. But it kind of got forgotten about in a kid way. You know, we didn't think much of it. We thought he was mucking around and playing. Even though he obviously presented as male and by this point he had his hair cut, I'd cut his hair earlier that year I'd finally got it short and realised that it was my husband that was stopping the haircut and not me. Anyway, so he, the fact that he was wanted it outside of the home was the new thing. So I consider that to be his coming out day. Because that was when he, wanted to present to the world as somebody was who he was. And something that I noticed straight away about that was when I very much felt like I'd put my little girl to bed and I came downstairs and I said, I feel like I've just put her to bed and he's gonna wake up in the morning. And it was really strange, really, really, really strange feeling. Probably a little bit like when you go for a caesarean section you know you're gonna have a baby the next day. Must be really odd. But yeah, he, he responded to that name straight away whenever we said it. Whereas his old name it used to take us quite a while to get his attention [laughs]. We realise it was, it was never his name was it, you know? So that was kind of like a bit of a heartbreaking realisation.
Lisa talked about finding out that her son was trans.
Lisa talked about finding out that her son was trans.
I went into her room one night and I just asked, we were talking about something and I said, ‘Look, I’ll show you. Pass me your device and I’ll show you.’ And I found some pictures of naked males on the device. And she started getting very upset and I said, ‘You don’t need to be upset. I’m sure you weren’t looking for this. What were you looking for?’ And she explained she was looking for boy’s bodies and girl’s bodies, because she felt that there was something wrong with her body. And that opened the discussion then about what is it that you’re not feeling right about? And it just all flooded out. And she said, ‘Please don’t make me live like this mum. I can’t live like it any more. I’ve tried really hard to change my inside to match my outside. But I can’t do it. Please don’t make me do it.’ I said, ‘Fine. We will change your outside to match your inside. That is no problem.’
Even for older children, coming out was often more of a process than a one off event. For example, Ross said about his child’s experience: ‘it wasn't a specific time when they came out. They just started having issues.’ Ross felt that being able to identify gender issues allowed his child to move forward in their journey. He said that when his child was able to talk about gender issues with their therapist, it was like ‘flood gates had opened. And everything then started to fall into place.’
There was no clear moment of coming out as trans for Ross’s child, but they first explored gender issues in CAMHS appointments.
There was no clear moment of coming out as trans for Ross’s child, but they first explored gender issues in CAMHS appointments.
It wasn't even as black and white as that. They didn't actually, it wasn't a specific time when they came out. They just started having issues I guess really the turning point really was the bullying at school, which was because of the isolation at school, because they didn't fit into their kind of gender group. They weren't a boy, so they didn't hang with the boys. But they didn't feel they were a girl, so they didn't have a lot of friends at all. They only really had one friend at school who it turns out now has come out as a lesbian, as a gay female who could maybe relate to my child as a trans child. But I don't think they even discussed whether they were gay or trans. I don't think it ever came up in conversation. And certainly the coming out thing wasn't a big announcement, I'm coming out, it was a gradual thing which kind of started really with the CAMHS appointments, which started mainly because of the friction between mum and child. Mum looked for help via CAMHS and CAMHS couldn't put a finger on it, initially. We, certainly the first interview I went to, the therapist there one week said, my child was PTSD. The next time we went they were bipolar. The next time they went they were autistic. They were, it was kind of they were, pigeon holed, but they couldn't find the right hole. And it wasn't until my child was saying about gender issues that gender even came up. That was probably the first time I ever was aware of anything gender related at all. They brought it up at a CAMHS appointment. And eventually, CAMHS referred us onto the [Gender Identity Development Services]. And at that point, it was like the flood gates opened. Suddenly, my child knew where they were and could relate to the therapists and suddenly said, ''Finally, somebody's taken me seriously. Somebody seems to understand.'' And so it was like the flood gates, flood gates had opened. And everything then started to fall into place.
How parents felt when their child came out to them
Parents we spoke to described a range of feelings when their children came out to them. Some felt surprised, shocked and anxious, some spoke about feeling relieved, others talked about how they had been anticipating their child coming out as trans for a while. A couple spoke about how they could feel there was something going on before their child came out, but were not able to put their finger on it. One parent said: ‘Probably from around the age of 15, 16 we were aware that there was something going on, but we didn't really understand, as parents what that was.’ Some parents thought their child would come out as gay. Both Jan and Teresa said they were expecting that.
Teresa said she thought her daughter might come out as gay. She felt that her daughter coming out as trans was ‘a bit of a bolt from the blue.’
Teresa said she thought her daughter might come out as gay. She felt that her daughter coming out as trans was ‘a bit of a bolt from the blue.’
Our daughter initially came out as being transgender at the age 13. And I suspect prior to that I think as a mum, I, and she’s the youngest. So I think I always thought that she was slightly different to the others, purely by, you know, mannerisms and friendship groups and things like that. And I know I suppose that this maybe a little bit of a cliché, but I would have thought, at some point she would have said she was gay. However, it was transgender, which was a completely different ball game and I hadn’t really had any knowledge about it to be quite truthful I mean, I was aware that there were transgender children and people out there, but I wasn’t really. So it, it did come as a bit of a bolt from the blue, I have to say.
A couple of parents we spoke to said they had anticipated their child coming out as trans and were preparing for it. Lesley said that since her son’s early childhood, she had been ‘always anticipating it.’ Kate said: ‘For the last two or three years, we’ve expected that that’s where we would end up but we’ve only known from him for the last ten months.’ For Kate it was the way her son felt about his body and how he presented to the world that made her and her husband think he would come out as trans. Despite expecting her son to come out as trans, Kate still found it emotional when it happened. She said: ‘I wasn’t massively surprised, but I was still upset… And not because I wasn’t prepared, but actually everything that you think might happen has happened.’
There was no clear moment of coming out as trans for Ross’s child, but they first explored gender issues in CAMHS appointments.
There was no clear moment of coming out as trans for Ross’s child, but they first explored gender issues in CAMHS appointments.
It wasn't even as black and white as that. They didn't actually, it wasn't a specific time when they came out. They just started having issues I guess really the turning point really was the bullying at school, which was because of the isolation at school, because they didn't fit into their kind of gender group. They weren't a boy, so they didn't hang with the boys. But they didn't feel they were a girl, so they didn't have a lot of friends at all. They only really had one friend at school who it turns out now has come out as a lesbian, as a gay female who could maybe relate to my child as a trans child. But I don't think they even discussed whether they were gay or trans. I don't think it ever came up in conversation. And certainly the coming out thing wasn't a big announcement, I'm coming out, it was a gradual thing which kind of started really with the CAMHS appointments, which started mainly because of the friction between mum and child. Mum looked for help via CAMHS and CAMHS couldn't put a finger on it, initially. We, certainly the first interview I went to, the therapist there one week said, my child was PTSD. The next time we went they were bipolar. The next time they went they were autistic. They were, it was kind of they were, pigeon holed, but they couldn't find the right hole. And it wasn't until my child was saying about gender issues that gender even came up. That was probably the first time I ever was aware of anything gender related at all. They brought it up at a CAMHS appointment. And eventually, CAMHS referred us onto the [Gender Identity Development Services]. And at that point, it was like the flood gates opened. Suddenly, my child knew where they were and could relate to the therapists and suddenly said, ''Finally, somebody's taken me seriously. Somebody seems to understand.'' And so it was like the flood gates, flood gates had opened. And everything then started to fall into place.
Lesley said she was anticipating her son to come out as trans since his early childhood.
Lesley said she was anticipating her son to come out as trans since his early childhood.
The most important thing for trans kids is to be supported and affirmed.There was always a point where, for a while, his early childhood his primary school years that, at any point, I was anticipating him coming back and saying, ‘I don’t wanna be known as his birth name anymore. I want to become this.’ I was always anticipating it. It just never, never materialised until he hit puberty.
Some parents felt surprised, or even shocked to learn their child was trans. Valerie said: ‘My daughter told us… four years ago now that she thought she was trans, but she was living away from home and so that did come as a completely out of the blue and a bit of a shock to us all.’
A few parents we spoke to had two children who identified as trans, and both times when their children came out to them it was a surprise. E said about their older child: ‘He was a little bit of a tomboy… we would not have said anything like this was on the cards.’ With the second child, E felt the surprise was even bigger. She said: ‘We wouldn’t have been at all surprised if he’d said, ‘Actually I am gay’ or something like that… But then, out of the blue, he suddenly said, ‘I think I’m trans. And we just, kind of knocked us for six and thought, what?!? Again? A second one. Cannot believe this.’
Adele said her son was gender non-conforming as a child, but she still felt surprise and shock when he came out as trans. She said she was glad he came out to her via text message, because she ‘kind of fell apart’ when she learned about it. Adele said: ‘I was kind of very upset and I was crying, I think from the shock of it as much as anything.’
Adele talked about her son being gender non-conforming as a child and how his coming out was a shock to her. She said she didn’t know anything about trans children and worried he will be bullied.
Adele talked about her son being gender non-conforming as a child and how his coming out was a shock to her. She said she didn’t know anything about trans children and worried he will be bullied.
So my child was born female…They came out to me when they were eleven, a few months off being twelve, so quite young. Before they went to high school. And my, I suppose it was something that didn't shock me, but at the same time it was a shock to me. They had always been incredibly gender nonconforming, had really wore what we used to call boyish clothes and sort of, you know played with what you would call typically, you know, boyish toys. And, you know, were very sort of you know, boyish basically in their whole demeanour and had male friends, et cetera. And that wasn’t because, you know, I’d sort of given them any particular type of toys, but was, you know, from a very young age, from about kind of two, three, four sorts of shown a huge preference for that sort of thing. And I, actually I was really happy to have this kind, you know, uber tomboy as a child and was really thrilled with that. I thought that was brilliant and, you know, really supported that. But when they came out to me they weren’t actually in the house with me, they texted me to tell me [Laughs]. And I’m really quite pleased that they did, because I just kind of fell apart, I was kind of very upset and I was crying, I think from the shock of it as much as anything. And I didn't know anything about trans kids, either what it meant, you just knew the very little that you’d heard and it was before there’d been a lot in the media. So the only thing I really thought of was that film with Hilary Swank called, Boy’s Don’t Cry and, you know, gets killed at the end [Laughs]. It’s just like, and I’m worrying, you know, my big worry was, you know, is anyone gonna love him and what does that mean? And really, really, really worried about bullying and about how it was gonna be received in school and with his peer group. Because he’d had really really hard time at primary school and didn't really have any friends. And I myself had had, you know, bad experiences at school. So that was really my biggest worry. So just lot, lots and lots of worry and fear. And then, immediately after they told me, cause they weren’t with me at the time. They were staying with their dad. I just remember hitting Google and just Googling the hell out of everything and trying to find out as much as possible to inform myself to put my mind at rest. And yeah, to be able to support them in the best way that I could.
A sense of relief was another feeling that came up when people talked about their children coming out. Ali was relieved that her daughter trusted her enough to share it with her. She said it was also good to know what the concern was for her daughter, whose mental health was suffering at the time. Knowing that her daughter was struggling with her gender identity allowed Ali to plan how to help her more effectively. Lesley also spoke about a sense of relief when her son came out, but also about how she felt that this wasn’t ‘going to be easy.’
Ali felt relieved that her daughter could trust her enough to come out to her.
Ali felt relieved that her daughter could trust her enough to come out to her.
I was just relieved that she felt she could trust me. I was concerned, because I couldn't really know where we would go and what, what kind of journey we would have. But it was good to know that what their concern was that at last we could address it rather than it always being an elephant in the room and I didn't even know there was an elephant there.
When her son came out as trans, Lesley felt a sense of relief but also anticipated that things will be hard for him.
When her son came out as trans, Lesley felt a sense of relief but also anticipated that things will be hard for him.
I just felt actually it’s been here years. There was always a sense of actually he was trying to be something else for other people. So there was a real sense of relief, but at the same time “oh, shit life’s gonna get really difficult now”. That’s what I remember. Because I, you see the representations on, in the media. You hear about trans adults who were rejected as kids, as teens. And you just read their experiences and you think, this is going to be hard. This isn’t going to be easy.
Telling their partner or ex-partner about their child’s gender identity
It was common for the young person to come out to one parent first. This meant that the parent who found out first would sometimes be involved in telling their partner or ex-partner about their child’s gender identity. These situations could be stressful for the family.
Jan talked about telling her husband, her daughter’s father that their daughter was trans.
Jan talked about telling her husband, her daughter’s father that their daughter was trans.
And then we talked about how to tell her dad, because to be fair, I've been married to him, I've been with him for such a long time. But I couldn't actually – because this had come as such a shock – I couldn't actually genuinely tell how he was gonna take it. So when it came to when she finally agreed that I could tell him, so she told me I think on the Friday night and agreed that on the Sunday morning I could tell him. And I told him in pretty much the same way as she told me. I showed him the text. And he read it and he said, ''Oh well that's a relief. I thought you were gonna tell me she'd got arrested.'' Obviously not using female pronouns though, at the time. Yeah and that's, that's how we kind of got underway.
For children whose parents were not together, there was the added difficulty of keeping everyone informed and on ‘the same page.’ This sometimes meant that some parents felt left out. Mel, a stepmother to a trans girl said: ‘My husband and I were the last ones to know. So, we were way behind in terms of kind of getting to grips with what this was.’
Georgina talked about telling her son’s dad and how she suggested her son come out to his dad in a letter. She put her ex-partner’s angry reaction down to him feeling left out. She said: ‘I think, he does really struggle with the trans status… but the main reason was because he was the last to know.’
Georgina spoke about her son coming out to his dad in a letter and how she got ‘an earful’ from her ex-partner when he had read it.
Georgina spoke about her son coming out to his dad in a letter and how she got ‘an earful’ from her ex-partner when he had read it.
The doctor suggested that it would be an idea for my ex to know before the referral went, because he thought it would cause problems, otherwise. And my son, hadn't at that point told him but he was due to go for a weekend and so I said to him, why don't you write a letter. Bear in mind we'd had many meltdowns about this, cause I was very aware that when he picked him up from school he was gonna get called the new name by the teachers and the kids. And his dad was gonna hit the roof, basically. Understandably. So I suggested that he write a letter, get him to read it and it was on his, when he came was it before he went yeah, it was before he went. So we got the letter to him and he read it and I got that he received it like ten o'clock at night. So he rang me and gave me an earful and I got the brunt of it. But my theory was that he'd have got it out of his system and started to think about it and research a little bit by the time my son went for his weekend with him.
Coming out can start a process of social transition.
Some people we spoke to shared experiences where their partner or ex-partner did not affirm their child’s gender identity.
You can find out more about how it was for parents to make sense of their child’s gender identity.