Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people

Social transition

Social transition refers to a number of changes that can be made in a person’s social life such as change of name, pronouns, physical appearance (haircut, dressing style, etc.). The goals of social transition may vary for individuals. For some people the goal is to be comfortable in their gender expression and role, for others it may be exploration. Some people may feel they need to socially transition in order to access medical intervention.

For young people, social transition usually happens after a person comes out as trans or gender diverse, but there is no one or standard way of coming out or socially transitioning, and parents and carers we talked to had different experiences of the process.

In our interviews, people shared their experiences of supporting their children through their social transition. For the children of parents we spoke to who lived at home, social transition often started with changing the name and pronouns at home.

Depending on the child’s age, social transition might include having a conversation with the school. You can read more about transitioning at school. It might also lead to arranging a GP visit to discuss the possibility of a referral to the Gender Identity Development Services (GIDS).

In this section you can read about parents’ and carers’ experiences of their children’s social transition. Some of the things they talked about include:

Time and place – negotiating transition across different settings;
Parents’ and carers’ feelings about their children’s social transition; and
Living in stealth – choosing not to disclose one’s trans status.

Time and place – negotiating social transition across different settings

Georgina talks about supporting her son’s social transition and how they made a list of all the things that they needed to do when he came out to her.

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The night he came out and asked us to call him a different name, we discussed exactly what he wanted to happen. And in which order and all that kind of stuff. Well we kind of went through a list of all the things that we would need to do and people we need to contact or whatever. And we just literally did everything in the order that he wanted to do it. And at this point I'd done no research whatsoever. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing or not. I just thought, I need to listen to him. I haven't done for such a long time. I've been letting him down, so I'm gonna do this how he wants within reason obviously we needed to do it safely and all that sort of stuff. So, I said to him, okay, we'll talk to the teachers tomorrow morning and we'll sort that as much as we can. But these things will take time and luckily it didn't take any time by the end of day that they called, called him his new name and that was brilliant. And then I said, when you know, you go and tell your dad and things like that. And then when we got to the doctors that he said, can we book it tomorrow. So, my list for the next day was to tell school and ring the doctors. And book an appointment.

Many parents we spoke to described how their child’s transition happened gradually across a number of settings, usually starting at home. Leigh said that her foster son ‘transitioned at home [and it] went fine. That lasted about four weeks. And then he just came out at a social club he was at and said, you know, ''My name is.'' And he gave his new name. So he transitioned there. And, at the Easter, he transitioned at school in primary.’ Social transition outside of the home was often carefully planned. One parent said that her daughter used to wear gender-neutral clothes for quite some time and that she had her own ‘timeframe’ to go back into school ‘as a girl.’

Transitioning may include formal changes such as changing of a young person’s passport and/or driving licence, and/or making a declaration of name change at school or university. Rights to make these changes are guaranteed under the Equality Act. People over 18 can also obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate. For people over the age of 16, names can be officially changed through Deed Poll. For younger people, everyone with parental responsibility for the child has to give their consent. Changing the official documents can be an important and affirming experience for the young person. For example, one parent shared about her daughter: ‘[our] GP… gave us a letter to get our passport updated, which the gender clinic had refused. The gender clinic had said ''We can't update passports till after puberty, because she might change her mind about her identity'', which is just, I don't think they understand like even if she did feel differently in the future, why does she have to have a passport that makes her sad now… But the GP was like, ''Well obviously, she's a girl she's, her passport should say she's a girl'' and so the GP gave us a letter and we got her passport updated and she was really happy about that.’

For parents of adult children who live away from home, the experience of their child socially transitioning might be very different. See more on this below. E said her son’s social transition ‘came as something of a surprise’ to her.

E and D talk about their son’s social transition over time.

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E and D talk about their son’s social transition over time.

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Father: He just suddenly, out of the blue announced it. But there’ve been some signs during the gap year. That’s what I remember, because do you remember, he suddenly once he’d left school, suddenly started wearing kind of…

Mother: Very grungy clothes.

Father: Jeans and T-Shirts and—

Mother: Whereas before as a younger teenager, he was quite short skirts and dresses.

Father: He could be quite dressy, yes.

Mother: Quite dressy, yes.

Father: But it was like suddenly over the summer things changed like that and he just suddenly got out and he was all jeans and T-Shirts, no dresses and yeah. I think we noticed that before he went travelling. And then, I think we had a wedding in June when he got back. We had to go to a wedding in [name of a country] and he was wearing a suit instead of a dress.

Mother: That’s right, yes. That’s right.

Father: That is I think where we got our first inkling. So, he’d have been 19 at the time.

Mother: That’s right.

Father: Yeah.

Mother: Yes.

Father: That’s right. And then I think later when he came, after his first term at university, he came back. Did he start talking about wanting to be called [male name].

Mother: That’s right he told his university friends that, you know, his male name. And that’s what he wanted to be called there.

Socially transitioning does not mean that the young person will go on to take hormone blockers or hormones and have gender affirming surgery in the future. However, for some parents of older children, who chose to get hormones or have surgery, the medical transition was part of the overall transition process. Ross said that his child’s transition began when they were at secondary school, but that it isn't complete because ‘there's still surgery to go.’ He added that having started on ‘[a] testosterone programme... at 19 years old they've finally started their journey where it all began at 13.’

Parents’ and carers’ feelings about their children’s social transition

Parents and carers we spoke to had different experiences and feelings around their children’s coming out and social transition.

For some parents we spoke to, supporting their child’s social transition was a difficult process. One parent shared how this process looked for her family. She observed that once her and her partner decided to support their daughter’s social transition it meant taking on ‘a daunting task’ of explaining ‘this to the world and making a world that's sort of safe enough for her.’

For Interview 1, supporting her daughter’s social transition started with not rejecting her gender diverse identity.

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For Interview 1, supporting her daughter’s social transition started with not rejecting her gender diverse identity.

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The phrase that I think is used by other people is like ‘supporting social transition’, but for us it was stopping rejecting our daughter, cause it was the point before we changed pronouns and things. She was asking us, every day, to recognise her as a girl. And that period where she was asking us every day, we were either saying, ‘no’, or we were kind of saying, I don't know like just saying, ‘okay, well, we'll talk about that later’. You know, but it really wasn't working for her and for us. And it was like she was stalled at that point of like she couldn't think about anything else and she couldn't, didn't want to talk about anything else. That was the thing that I guess, you know, she was feeling rejected by her parents, which is a big thing for a kid. Anyway, so we got we did lots of other reading and talked to lots of other people and eventually we got to a point of saying to her okay, we'll call you a girl. And that was after we'd spoken to the gender clinic on the telephone, but before we'd seen them, because there was this nearly year waiting period before we saw them. And I don't know if you want to talk about that. But for us that was an entirely positive experience I think. We were, we were stuck in this in this [inhales] very stressful stage beforehand where our daughter was feeling really, really rejected. She was crying every day. She was really down. She was really unable to enjoy her life. And as soon as we said, ‘okay, we'll call you a girl’ and we shifted pronouns. It was a dramatic improvement in her mental health like literally overnight. And straight away she was able to, straight away she was, instead of talking about gender every bed time she was asking about animals and, you know, it was like it's like she'd got over that block that was making her feel unhappy. And then as soon as that was out the way, she just was, you know, interested in the world again. And that was delightful to see that she'd had the kind of this burden of yeah, she'd had this heavy burden of stress on her and suddenly she was able to sort of and really we, as far as her happiness, we haven't looked back at all since then. She's just been super happy since then.

Some parents felt that their child’s social transition happened quite fast. This was particularly true for parents who don’t live with their child, or stepparents like Mel. Others, likeLeigh felt that their child would have liked things to happen much quicker.

Mel spoke about how the social transition might feel like a lot to process in a short time. In particular, as she felt her and her husband were ‘the last ones to know’ about her stepdaughters gender identity. Mel thought the social transition happened very fast. However, she also felt that now people are used to the fact that her stepdaughter is a girl and ‘is the person she was always meant to be’ and she observed that it just felt ‘right and she seemed happy.’ It is important to note that whilst transition might feel fast to outsiders it can feel extremely different for the individual dealing with those feelings.

Leigh felt her foster son’s social transition could have ‘gone quicker’ if it wasn’t for her insisting on slowing things down.

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So in that sense, the whole transition thing happened quite quickly, the whole process. Did you feel that?

I think it could have gone quicker. It could have gone quicker. And that was me being more insistent on him just slowing down and taking a breath and making sure of certain things before he did it. I know, in my heart of hearts he is who he is and he's always gonna be who he is, you know. Even though we have conversations, the door is always open. He's never going to go back. He was never happy. He would never fitted. He never was a female.

Mel felt her stepdaughter’s social transition ‘accelerated’ and she and her husband were ‘way behind in terms of coming to grips’ with it.

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She seemed to do a lot of research and then confided in her mum. So, we, my husband and I were the last ones to know. So, we were way behind in terms of kind of getting to grips with what this was. Was there some sort of collusion going on between her daughter and her mum. We were worried about the mum’s mental health because there had been issues in the past. So, there was all sorts of kind of like ‘uh!, what is going on!’. And, for me, I just wanted to be able to support my husband and the kids as much as I could, but also understand like what on earth is going on. This is completely, is it completely, it felt like it was. And it had felt like it was accelerated. We went from her wanting to say that I’m trans to right, now I want to go to school and I wanna dress as a girl and it was really quick. That’s what I remember about it the initial transition; it felt like it was quick. It felt like it was a bit rushed. And we were just concerned. We, I felt like I wanted to have as much information as I could. And were we involving as many people that needed to know in this, in this process, which was really important. My husband just was, I think his world was turned upside down, ‘cos they have a really close bond, very, very, very, very close. I don’t like to use the word ‘favourites’, but there’s something that really ties or maybe it’s because his, his first born, I am not sure. So, yeah, it was a lot.

Living in stealth – choosing not to disclose one’s trans status

No trans person is in any way expected to disclose their trans status.

The choice to live ‘stealth’ is a very personal one and can be made for a whole host of reasons. Some individuals may want to be stealth in some environments and not others, some may choose to live stealth for a period of time, then out, then stealth and so on, some may want to be stealth due to not identifying as trans or gender diverse. Many trans and gender diverse people are forced to hide who they are because of fear of rejection or discrimination.

Trans and gender diverse people can face exclusion, prejudice and at times direct violence. They often lack support from their families and are at risk of discrimination in education, employment and healthcare (Stonewall, 2018).

Having socially transitioned means that the young person is sometimes able to ‘pass’ – meaning that they are perceived as the gender they wish to present as. At times, this means that people in their day-to-day life don't know their trans history – this is sometimes referred to as living in stealth. Some trans young people opt to live stealth as it might lessen the risk of bullying that many young trans people face. Living in stealth is not a way to stop harassment though, as harassment should be stopped at the source.

A few parents we spoke to shared their child’s experiences of living in stealth. Feeling that one is not able to share one’s trans history can be a difficult experience for a young person. Mel spoke about her stepdaughter not wanting to lie to people about it but also being anxious of being rejected if she shared that information with her peers.

Mel spoke about her stepdaughter having close friends who accepted her, but feels that the fear of being rejected for being trans was a lot to deal with for her young stepdaughter.

It is very important to be respectful of someone’s decision to live stealth or not. Lisa spoke about her son’s decision not to disclose his trans status at the new school and how that made her feel. She said: ‘I have every sympathy, because I’m really proud to be the mother of a transgender kid because I recognise… challenges that one has to overcome to, to be in that bracket. But I can’t shout it from the rooftops, because I have to be respectful of his wish to remain, you know, his identity to remain under wraps for the time being.’

Kate’s son was at school where some people knew about his trans status. She observed that ‘when he has to admit it [being trans], he admits it, if he can get away with not admitting it then he won’t.’ She also said her son was looking forward to getting ‘through it so that he can get out the other side and then actually start, you know, just no-one will know and he can just be him.’

A person can choose to remain in stealth in some spaces, whilst they are ‘out’ in others. This might also change over time. Ali said her daughter was very much ‘in stealth’ initially but she is now much more open and out socially.

Lisa talks about her son’s reasons to remain in stealth at his new school.

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Lisa talks about her son’s reasons to remain in stealth at his new school.

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We then moved him into a different school and he’s been in stealth since then. We are currently working with whether or not that’s something he wants to continue or whether he wants to start talking to people about his identity.

He just wants to be himself, that’s all he wants. And he wants to be respected for being himself. He wants to be open and honest about who he is. But he’s frightened of doing that, because however proud he is of himself, he knows that as soon as he tells other people that he’s transgender, he opens himself up to a plethora of risk in terms of relationships changing, the way he is treated, not just by other kids at school, but by teaching staff as well.

Ali talks about her daughter not being ‘out’ at school and how that made her feel.

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It's been so good she's met people online and she's visited them, and she's got so much more confidence. But it took us a long time for her to get the confidence up to come out socially and she's has (now) completely. But, it was very much in stealth when we first started. And she never let me tell the school and to try and get help from the school without being overt, which sounds like a terrible betrayal and I felt that I was betraying my daughter. But, yeah. That was really our journey and are waiting to go onto adult services now.

Find out what parents and carers said about supporting their young person’s mental health and wellbeing.

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