Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people

So, how did you first learn about the different terms and identities related to gender identity and diversity?

Basic ones I've known since probably I was about 18. But you know, formal terms like assigned gender the being gender fluid or these things I, it was not, well the terms, until two or three years ago when my daughter started to attending the [Gender Identity Development Service]. I had a vague awareness but not in any depth before that. So it's not until we actually started at the Gender Identity Services that I became aware of just how vast array there is.

How did you first learn about different terms and identities related to gender diversity?

Oh right, well, [laughs] I think she had to explain the pronoun things and then, then I got more up, I suppose it was like a learning curve and we just had to get on with it and do it. And it makes you much more aware how you, what you say to people. I find myself now saying to people, I never assume if I'm talking to a woman, I never assume her partner is a man. So and that's the thing I always use the phrase partner until they made it very clear how they identify their partner. I just think it makes you a bit more careful. In a funny sort of way, I think it broadens your outlook onto people, because you don't, you, you do still stereotype people, but you are much more open about how you're going to view people. And, and I think that's all for the best, really.

Well I've always known about transgender being a term and but I didn't really know about the difference between transsexual and transgender. I was a bit confused about that and then, and then I was, I was with the LGBTQ umbrella, you know, the terminology. I've tried to educate myself about what that one means. It's, it's confusing initially for somebody that has got no knowledge. I had some but there were a lot of people that have literally no knowledge whatsoever. So things like pronouns. I've learned a lot about, about why it's necessary to for example display your pronouns, to be inclusive.

I haven't done his Deed Poll yet. And the reason is partly because my ex-husband is in, let's put inverted commas, “no rush”, which I think means don't do it yet or otherwise I'll be cross. But also, right at the beginning I very much thought let's see how long this lasts. It could well be a phase. Obviously, now we're nearly four years, four years in, I think. I think it makes sense to do it before secondary school, if I'm honest, because of exams and stuff.

Maybe eight to ten weeks I really struggled, to the point where I said, right, that's it, nobody's got a name. Everybody is just ‘kids’. Cause it was easier [laughs]. But no, I mean, it now I do have conversations with other people who when I refer back to how, back to my child as his birth gender, it takes me a few seconds to remember, you know, I have to access that information from deep, deep, deep in my brain, because it's not something that I use every day now. You know, he's just who he is. He's just a happy, healthy, moody teenager [laughs].

If I said ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ in reference to my daughter, I’d feel really awkward. I think it’s something which I may have done a couple of times a few months ago, but I don’t think I have for a few years. It feels like this has been our reality for probably longer than it has, to be honest. So, the thought of saying the wrong name or saying the wrong ‘he’ or ‘she’ seems really distant, although I think I probably have done that, accidentally and just sort of move on from it as quickly as possible, rather than draw too much attention to it.

They use Mx on a lot of things. They use Mr a lot more now, now they're on hormone treatment. Pre hormone treatment they would refer as Mx or identify as Mx. The GP pointed out to us that Mx is a very, very good thing on the NHS records, because if there was ever a car crash, a nasty emergency accident and you're rushed into a strange hospital where they don't know you or hospital abroad for example. If your pronoun is Mx immediately it's gonna make them look twice, because they don't get many Mxs. If it's Mr or Mrs, especially with my child's situation where anatomically certainly the downstairs department will be female. If you need an emergency operation, but you're identifying as male and on your records you're Mr then all of a sudden they remove clothes and find that you're not a Mr, it could delay things by seconds which could mean life and death kind of thing. And it was our GP that explained that, because they are a really good, supportive GP that looked into things and looked kind of outside the box a little bit and said, they suggested that we keep Mx for all medical records, because later in life, you're still gonna need the smear test. And a computer that's looking in black and white, if you're identifying as Mr you're not gonna be invited in for a smear test because you wouldn't need to be. Whereas if you're Mx the computer, even a computer is gonna go, ''Eh, that's a bit weird. We don't get many of them.'' So somebody's gonna look at it more than once, which I think is a good thing, having just that option on forms, on all sorts of kind of formal things, having it as an option. It draws attention to it, which some trans people may find offensive or not want to do. But they do have free will to put Mr or Mrs, but if you don't have the option of Mx well then you've got to choose one or the other.