Experiences of parents and carers of young trans and gender diverse people

We'd been waiting, ‘cause a lot of people go to the system a bit later and it's all a bit of a worrying time, because the children at sort of started puberty and things like that, whereas she said time was on our side. We can make sure that any intervention is at a time, timely point. She was reassuring. But she said, you know, you just have to, ‘cause this is watch, watch and wait approach that they have. I mean my worry is that [name of participant’s child] doesn't really display dysphoria. And my worry is that because she doesn't display dysphoria about her body that they're gonna see that as some sort of indication that she's not trans. To me, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt, everything's pointing to the fact she is trans but she doesn't necessarily have to have dysphoria to be trans. But I worry that the GIDS system seems to think that you have to be really, really in traumatic, trauma about your body to be trans.

Nearly all of them are suffering depression and suffering anxiety certainly for mine, still telephone conversations, they can't do telephone, because they've got a female voice. They sound like a female when they talk on the telephone. So then the person on the other end of the telephone will miss-gender them, because they sound female. I know that is gonna change with the testosterone. It will have an effect and their voice will hopefully get much deeper and then they'll start using the telephone. But that's an issue at the moment is, they refuse to do anything on the telephone. They'll send emails, they will send text. But they won't talk on telephone, because their voice sounds female.

And then we tried to talk about that with my son, that there is this issue, it was like: alright, that's okay, how is this making you feel? Do you, are you bothered or are you not bothered and [participant’s child’s name] he said he wasn't bothered, which didn't help his case [laughs] but he said it, to be a people pleaser and I know that and the guy should have asked the deeper question. He should have carried on and he didn't and it annoys me ‘cause I know which questions to ask to get the answers and I know how to do it. And I did suggest a few different ways of doing that, because [participant’s child’s name] finds verbalising, you know, saying the words hurts him. Does that make sense?

Mmm…

So the same, he I, I've done tick boxes for him in the past. I've put, you know: “Puberty's coming. These are the things that are gonna happen, which ones do you want?” And he ticks all the boy ones and then the girls ones and he scribbles them out, really strongly, you know. But it hurts him to say the word boobs when it's referred to him. Does that make sense?

So he can't verbalise it, especially to somebody he doesn't know very well. So to expect him to do that is difficult.

But yeah, now it’s been agreed that she can have hormone blockers. We’ve gotta wait for the last possible moment in terms of her showing symptoms of, not symptoms, I guess, you know, sort of displaying. Showing, you know, sort of traits of going through puberty. I feel like that must be, for me, it feels like waiting for a time-bomb, almost. And waiting for it. And I find myself sort of looking not looking at her, but like I’ve noticed she’s got a slight darkening of the top lip. And what that’s gonna be like for her having to wait until the last moment and then get treatment. How will it be for her and her peers.

What it means to then not necessarily be going through puberty in the same way that your peers are? I worry about how she will empathise or how she will cope when her, especially with her sister and her mother when her sister starts having periods and she can’t have them. I do worry about that. And will that cause any resentment.

So, unfortunately for him, he started his periods very early at 10. So, he’s been, you know, for a long, long time he going through puberty. And he developed his breasts very early as well. With the whole binding thing, it, you know, it was clear that he was uncomfortable and didn’t want to look that way. So, he was trying to find sports bras that would be, would minimise his chest and so on. And I broached the subject of whether he wanted to use a binder. At that point, he was still adamant that he wasn’t trans. And he like, ‘Ah, Mm, yeah I could. But I’m not trans, mum, I promise I’m not trans.’ And so we went ahead and used the binder. And that that’s fine. He wears those all the time other than when he’s at home and he’s, when he gets home from school he tends to get into like comfy things like pyjamas and an old T-Shirt. He’ll sometimes still keep it on then. But, later on the day, he’ll sort of take that off. I’m probably not as strict as I should be about how long you’re supposed to keep them on for and so on. But, if there are other people around, he’ll always have it on. He’ll never—so, if we stay other than my mum, we go and stay with my mum and he’ll be, he doesn’t mind that. But if there are other people staying as well or other family, then he’ll always have his binder on now. Holidays are a bit of a problem in that, how do you go swimming and how do you do those sorts of things. He doesn’t really like that anymore. So, he has a binder that he can wear swimming and with a rash vest, so that it you know. But it’s not comfortable for him. So, we tried that this year and I don’t think we’ll necessarily be doing that again. And yeah, with the pill he’s only just started the pill but I think it will just be better for him that he has some control over that and knows when it’s gonna happen. And, obviously, hopefully, will, you know, decrease the, you know, the discomfort and the constant reminder that, you know, this is happening to him. So, yeah, he’s started that and I think he didn’t really push for that that much. But I think he is pleased that he’s doing that now.

How did you learn on all the stuff about the binders and how to use and when to use it and all that?

So, I started looking when he started dressing more as a boy and ‘cos it started slow. He’d have a few boy’s things. And then quite just gender-neutral. But then when he would only like get stuff that was made for boys I sort of started looking and the holiday, not this time when he has been binding, but the time before, I was trying to look for swimming costumes for holidays that would be more modest and less, ‘cos, you know, most swimming costumes are trying to show everybody’s, flaunt everybody’s features. And I just knew that that wasn’t comfortable for him. So, I was trying to find things and I found some kind of more, I think I started looking for ‘tomboy’. He was never a tomboy at all. But I thought, you know, tomboy like swimming or something. So, I just found stuff on the, on the internet. And then I found a site for binders and they were really good, actually, ‘cos they were really responsible and had like good information on there and so on. And as I noticed, some of those kind of websites which are for which are providing something for people from that community tend to have a bit more information there and point you in the right direction, so you kind of go off and, and find a bit more out. So, when he started binding, I was a bit stricter about well you can only wear this for this time and you mustn’t but actually it just makes him, we get decent ones so that it shouldn’t make him, you know, so it’s as comfortable as possible for him. And just so that he, I know that it makes him feel better to wear it. So, actually, although it might not be, you are only supposed to have them on only for a certain period of time. I’d rather he was comfortable and psychologically comfortable. So I don’t tend to nag him too much now.

So just for other people who might be thinking about binding what kind of information do you have about how a person should wear it?

So, there was, so I think they shouldn’t wear them when they’re exercising, which is a bit of a problem with swimming. So, yeah, shouldn’t wear them exercising. It should only really be on for eight hours. And the best ones, the ones that kind of do up at the sides and not glued, ‘cos they tend to crush more than sort of squash. So, they, there I think there is quite a bit of information out there. But it is, unfortunately, one of those things where it seems to be, you know, you have to pay a bit more to get something that is better for them, rather than gonna do any sort of damage.

He has unfortunately got his mum's genes, so his chest is at least D cup and it was a D cup at eleven and a half and twelve. So, now he is on hormone blockers that has stopped the growth. But it's there. So he has no option other than to have surgery post eighteen. If that's what his choice is. If he was my birth child, maybe he could have stopped growing at a B cup or you know, an A cup if he'd got there quicker. He wouldn't have had to have such severe surgery in the future. So him being a foster child has helped in many ways. But then, for him it's also been a hindrance in that it's, he's having to live daily, binding daily. He will not leave the house unless he has a binder on. He will not leave his bedroom unless he has a binder on. And in this weather thirty degrees heat, you know, being binding and wearing coats and jackets, because he still feels like everybody can see his chest, you know.

It used to be around periods and he was in huge distress when he went through this every month. Partly because it was about his breasts. And wearing binders and things like that. So he has a few binders that help him and they helped him feel less dysphoric. There were lots of issues around his genitalia and what the genitalia he doesn’t have. His perception of penises are much bigger than they actually are [Laughs]. He has a couple of packers one which I bought him, which I think is probably a realistic size for a teenage boy. He chose one from my perspective, completely unrealistic in size. But it makes him feel better. So that sort of helps.

Certainly one of probably one of the bigger issues was contraceptive pill to stop periods, because that was a really, really big issue [Gender Identity Development Service] had previously offered hormone blockers, but that was at the point when mum was going to the meetings and mum fiercely went against blockers. So then [Gender Identity Development Service] never ever mentioned it again until my child was eighteen and pretty much out the other side of puberty. So they did suffer through puberty. I suggested to our GP that they go on contraceptive pill, not for contraceptive purposes but to manage the hormones up and down and the menstrual cycle, which our very, very supportive GP looked into and prescribed the pill that was very, very, very low oestrogen where most contraceptive pills were much higher, which gave us a lot of confidence in our GP, the fact that they went out of their way to look, initially they didn't. Initially they just gave a stock standard pill. But after maybe a month they said that they'd looked into it and researched it and found that there was a high oestrogen level and realised that that wasn't conducive with a trans person, so changed the pill. So the pill they're on now is not very good on contraception, but it's got zero oestrogen. So it's really good for trans.