Freya

So, when it came to coming out, I was very prepared to just sod everyone off and just, if you don’t like it, who cares, I’m off. I had a bit of a nuclear thing where I sort of just said one evening in my like friend group chat like, I’m just gonna straight up say summat and it’s gonna be weird, here it goes. And then, summat along the lines of I’m transgender and all that crap. I think that was literally what I said, which confused them a lot. And get used to it. If anyone has a problem with it FU yeah and then spammed like that in a big chunk and left it within like five minutes some of them we’re putting in the chat like, cool, good for you. Some of them were like messaging me privately like great. It was like a fairly not a very queer group. So, I think one of them was like, what is transgender and all that crap. I was like, I wanna be a woman and I think I’m gonna become one. They were like a bit confused. There was one girl in it who was by herself a bit more like into the queer scene. She had more of an idea and messaged me like great. So that’s how I came out to my friends.

My mum was looking for an extension lead and took a quick look in my room and found like dresses and stuff. She came to pick me up like the end of the night to give me a lift home and was like, found some things in your wardrobe. Do you want to say anything? And then it was just like, in my head I was like, damn, but a stronger word. And it was either I kind of lie say I got them for a friend, lie say I’m into cross dressing maybe or I just come out with it all. And I just told her in the car and then she was like completely stunned. She, we got home and it was like, right I think you need to go and talk to your dad. Up to this point at no point had she been like this is super cool, we’re fine with it. I was like, I have no idea how this was going. I went and told my dad like with her there. They were both like, okay, cool. Well we love you. And then it was sort of like a very awkward silence and I was just like I’m gonna go to bed. I think instead I just pretended to go to bed and just straight on my phone like, oh shit. I think I actually left and went sneakily and stayed at a friend’s house. Because it was really awkward. It turns they were actually really cool with it and it just took them a long time to get used to it. They had like absolutely shocks. They had no idea at all. And then when I was like straight up like I’m going the whole way, I’m going the nine yards and getting surgery. They thought at first I was making a rash decision. And were like, great, slow down. I was like, no I’m speeding up if anything. They didn’t release I’d been sort of thinking this way for twenty years, essentially. But within like half a year once they realised it was happening. Once they’d sort of seen me a bit, hair growing out, wearing different clothes and then also once they realised it’s not a rash decision. They were sort of fine. Now these days, completely cool with it. And coming out to the public, just one day like six months later and I think sometimes people would know like it sort of spread through social circles. I did just my official coming out, if you like, sticking a new profile picture on Facebook and Instagram with like you know, very clearly made-up in a dress and stuff. Like a caption like, there’s gonna be some changes or something. Make it obvious something is different. Then it was like the most likes and love hearts and all that of every picture I’ve ever posted. People got the message. Yeah, that’s sort of my three coming outs.

What are your thoughts around changing voice?

Love to. Easier said than done. I am, well, am I trying to do it? I like to think I’m trying to do it. But I put it off a lot because whilst I’m at my parents’ home I don’t like it. Like ‘cos it’s summat I can’t hide because I’m making noise. So I have some again reddit has like a trans, this one is a bit less good, ‘cos it’s sort of resources but you don’t know if you’re doing it right. Cos if you don’t properly understand all the words like, larynx and resonance you can’t quite do what all the instructions are saying. It just like, hold up your adams apple and see if you can feel this. If you don’t quite know what you’re feeling for, you’re buggered. I would say of all the things it’s potentially the easiest or the hardest thing to do yourself. For me, it’s like a hard thing to do because obviously not working. But yeah, I have started to do it and I tried at bits and it’s not gone great. I know it’s not like an instant thing. Like it does take time. I’ve done all like the muscle training stuff. I’ve got a strong as fuck larynx. I just don’t know what to do with it. So that is probably the only thing I’ve considered spending money now on doing legit and getting a voice coach.

The problem is there’s loads of like it’s really iffy, ‘cos all of the exercises like you’ve got like big dog small dog and all these things are all there and every different person with a really good passing feminine voice, tells you to do this exercise. But then, no-one anywhere is like and then do this to turn your voice into it. You can get a really strong larynx and you can hold it up and make your smaller resonance and stuff, but then they don’t really tell you how to make it sound. They just sort of say like you’ve got like a phonate it like a woman and women change their pitch and stuff. They don’t actually tell you how you can actually do your pitch in voice and stuff. Maybe I’m an idiot but I just don’t get it.

Every time I had a question, I just stuck a question on like a reddit like a transgender subreddit. Mostly the Transgender UK one, just ‘cos they’d know how like GPs and stuff work. I admittedly wasn’t super aware of the process of like how it’s not your GP. It’s like a separate clinic. Go to your GP to get there and like—I was kind of initially beating about the bush, looking up GPs seeing if can like email them directly. I was like swapping GPs from my home one to my uni one and so it was a bit of a faff. But I got most of the information either through the NHS website, reddit or just Googling like the GICs directly.

How would you class the quality of information online?

Well, I suppose, it depends on where you are getting it. Like, you know, probably going on reddit and sort of going off the word of A - a complete stranger who I know nothing if they’re telling the truth. But then also, potentially, it’s very like relevant, anecdotal stuff that they’ve gone through it, they’ve done it. It’s the tried and tested thing. You can sort of go online to like the GIC website now. It doesn’t even tell you how long you are waiting. It’s like at least a year and a half when you can go online on like again, reddit I like reddit a lot, thank god. Then like, right, well I’ve just got my letter today and signed up in like 2017 so it says a year and a half at least online, it’s like three years. So, you can get more honest stuff, I think, online, not on NHS stuff. But then also it can be complete garbage as well, especially on the stuff like—I think one of the problems is even like the leading endocrinologists don’t really know the best way to give like an adult male, female hormones, xy male so like trans woman the hormones to make them like physiologically, is that the word like female. And so on the sub reddits for like DIYing and stuff and you are trying to get your results like checked I can’t really roll up at my GP and just be like do these results look good, cause they’re sort of like, admittedly my GP is actually like god tier, I’m pretty sure he knows what I’m doing, well he knows what I’m doing, but he’s like completely on board as much as he like legally can be. Initially, not good. But I think he’s really trying to help. Like the average GP can’t just be like yeah, they’re great, female ranges. Also they don’t know, cause they don’t know if you’re meant to be in female ranges. So, you go online and you’re like, how do my results look? Some people are like they’re great. Some people like no they’re crap, you want these levels, you need to talk to swap to this. No, some people are like no you want to try this medicine instead. It’s all like coming from random people at the end of the day you don’t really know. You have to do a lot of like the sourcing and fact checking yourself. But, yeah, it’s, I suppose the thing is, it’s just it’s not very credible, a lot of it. So, you are taking people’s word for it, strangers.

But then I went to have a blood test and I sort of, the now good GP, this is where I first met him and was like, okay I’m also going to be honest, I am, it was ‘cos I was going to start injections. I had been on pills but you have to check that your levels are like so good after so long and you’ve developed like enough to switch it up to like a more constant source of oestrogen you get from injections. I was like I’m just going to be honest, I’m DIYing.

I don’t know why I sort of said that. I was like, I don’t if I’m going to get checked for like whoever did it. I was just like I’m just going to be honest who cares and he was sort of like, ah, okay, how, why? I was like, no, I remember what it was, I was being sensible. I was like, I’m starting injections to like needles, can I have a sharp’s box. He was like, he was like, well have you not been prescribed the injectable oestrogen have they not swapped it. I was like, ‘cos he’s like, did they not give you a sharps box because that’s pretty major. I was like, right come clean. He sort of kinda sighed and was like, right, what do I do? He was like, I guess I better prescribe you clean needles and a box then. I was like, okay, he’s on board. I’ve got needles like safely from a medical dispensary and stuff like I just need the box and he was like, great. We’ll do the blood test and like did it, fine, got the results, printed out the results, he was like, you are male on the system and so it’s freaking out doing loads of alerts ‘cos it’s like you've got shit testosterone and your oestrogen is way too high, blah, blah, blah. Then he also like did say you know, I’ve checked your kidneys and I’ve checked your liver and this and that, you are healthy. He was like, your hormones are out of whack. I’m not gonna comment on those. The rest of your body is fine. He did kind of give me like you’re okay. And then, since then, ‘cos he was great, I’ve always asked to see him and he’s just got like better and better with each blood test.

I tend to just put my head in the sand ‘cos the vast majority of the time it is some right wing newspaper being like their pumping my children full of oestrogen and its like, no we are not, stop fearmongering. It’s yeah, like even often when you see stuff and it’s like oh, transgender patients have sometimes have to wait up to like eighteen months for something. But then in the next line it says, this is often seen as good and make sure that they are not. And then you like ugh. At no point have I ever seen—at least on the mainstream news source like which I might have missed, you mentioned the [media outlet] earlier, like there is a crisis going on and this long waiting list would not stand in any other branch of the NHS. I’ve just not seen that yet so we are sort of getting ignored.