Max
Gender: Male
Pronouns: He / His / Him
More about me...
Max is a black trans man in his 20’s. Max grew up in a strict Muslim household “So, girls weren’t allowed to do boy things and boys weren’t allowed to do girl things …I would just be constantly like, I don’t know, agitated. Not being what my parents wanted me to be and for ages not knowing why.”
He felt growing up in a household with anti-gay sentiment that “If I did come out no-one, no-one would be okay with it. So, I had to live with that, growing up... Because if they don’t accept gays then they are not going to accept trans and stuff like that.”
He left aged 20 and broke off communication with his parents for three years. After leaving home he was homeless. He initially stayed with a work colleague and then work helped by advocating for him with the council who found him a room in a youth hostel (supported housing). “Looking back, it was kind of traumatic. But at that time, it didn’t register. I was just like, I just need a place to stay and that’s it, you know, some stability.” As soon as he left home he asked his GP to refer him to GIC “I pretty much referred myself the same week I left home.”
While waiting for his first appointment with GIC Max became very depressed and asked for bridging hormones to be prescribed while he waited. Initially he was prescribed Testosterone gel “I started to get tired of just applying gel every day. So I think after six months or something like that, seven months, something like that, I wanted to, I went to my GP again and asked to be switched to injections instead.” He now has monthly injections. Max has been waiting for almost three years for his second appointment with GIC. He finds the lack of information from GIC about when his next appointment will be very frustrating, “It’s kind of like while you were waiting and that kind of lack of hope kind of, you know, just invades everything.”
Max would like top surgery in the future and hopes to have it on the NHS although he knows the waiting lists are long. He finds binding his chest painful and tries not to do it too much although this makes him feel uncomfortable not doing it.
He has recently resumed contact with his parents after his dad got in touch. He has since come out as trans to his father. His father’s reaction surprised him as he said, “It’s your life and I’m not gonna reject you again over this… So that was quite nice to hear.”
Max has experienced a lot of racism throughout his life and thinks some of his mental health difficulties relate from “being black in a very white country.” He attended a youth group for support “it was not a bad group. You know, people there were great. It’s just, it was just very white and that just inherently makes me uncomfortable.” He finds it helpful to see experiences from other non-white trans people. YouTube videos have been a valuable resource for that and for information about hormones, top surgery and bottom surgery.
When asked what advice he would give other trans people he advises, “don’t internalise anything that comes out of the news. Just have a good support network… get yourself an advocate if you’re transitioning like medically, definitely get yourself an advocate.”
Max describes coming out to his dad after not speaking to either of his parents for three years.
Max describes coming out to his dad after not speaking to either of his parents for three years.
Well, I did tell the people who I was working with and I was volunteering at that time and so I told them. And yeah, just them. It wasn’t until maybe like a year later or something when I told my sisters. And then, I only told my dad quite recently, so I told him like in December or something. Yeah, yeah, I did tell him in December, so quite recently.
And how was that?
It was bit odd, ‘cos before that I hadn’t spoken to either of my parents for like three years. And then, I don’t know why he contacted me and he just said, he wanted to talk. So we did about three hours and I was like you know what might as well be honest now. I’ve got nothing to lose so I told him. And what he said was, basically, you know, it’s your life and I’m not gonna reject you again over this. So that was quite nice to hear. I was very surprised about it to be honest.
Max says that the ‘basic information’ they found ‘was very white’ and he ‘couldn’t relate to that at all’.
Max says that the ‘basic information’ they found ‘was very white’ and he ‘couldn’t relate to that at all’.
If I’m honest with you, most of it was very white so I didn’t really, I just took the basic basic information, but I didn’t hear about people’s experience and couldn’t relate to that at all.
What couldn’t you relate to?
Just kind of, I don't know, the life story, I suppose ‘cos mine is quite, well not specific, but actually I don’t know how to explain it. I just couldn’t relate to it. Obviously, you can relate to people who you see yourself in. I couldn’t live their life and they couldn’t live mine so yeah.
Where were you seeing those kind of stories?
Mostly just online like I don't know, Facebook or different Facebook groups, Tumblr probably and like social medias and stuff which weren’t always the best place to get information from. But yeah. Or just different websites. I don’t remember what website, there was a website called, but there was one website that had bare information about, I don't know, different clinics and the waiting times, different surgeons, just like definitions of certain identities and what not. I forget what it was called though.
I mean, yeah. It took, it took a lot for me to find, you know, YouTube video and about another trans guy was also black or just non-white. Obviously, I knew that yeah he could still transition without, even if you’re not white. But it was just nice to hear of people who are also black, basically.
Max talks about the difference it made to him finding a GP who was willing to offer a bridging prescription.
Max talks about the difference it made to him finding a GP who was willing to offer a bridging prescription.
Well, the current GP, she’s great. I found out about sixty trans people go to that GP. So, everyone there just knows a lot of things and like knows the identities and know more kind of more about trans healthcare. When I changed to that, I think it’s [GP practice]. I was prepared to be really defensive about like asking for bridging. But she just said, yes and I was like, well, and I just stopped and I was like I didn’t really even tell you why I needed this. I didn’t even tell you all the clinics that I have been to and how long I’ve been waiting. She just said, yeah, ‘cos she knew what she was doing. So, yeah.
How much of a difference did that make?
Well, I felt like I could breathe. Like I said, it’s been three years, been almost three years since I’ve first been seen and you know, and for my second appointment, so if I waited with my old GP, I would still would not be on hormones and I’d still be in a really shit state, mentally. I was just relieved, basically.
Max shares his experience of the slow progress with appointments at the NHS service and a lack of updates.
Max shares his experience of the slow progress with appointments at the NHS service and a lack of updates.
I had my appointment with the [GIC] in 2017, so almost three years ago now. I haven’t been seen since. Still waiting for the second appointment of officially being diagnosed, yeah. It got that dire. I’ve been always contacting them constantly like every few months, wanting to get some updates. But every time I do it, either they don’t give me any proper details and they just ask to refer to the website and the website, the website only says to wait X amount of time for your first appointment, but I’ve already been seen. So and yeah, I’m supposed to have someone to have like a case worker in between. Yeah, a case worker in between. But she cancelled on me twice and I did ask and left her an email and I still haven’t got a call back.
Max talks about the balance of power at the NHS GIC services ‘I have no control over anything’.
Max talks about the balance of power at the NHS GIC services ‘I have no control over anything’.
A lot of times I feel like everything is out of control, like I have no control over anything, really. I mean, it’s not so much with GPs but it is with the GICs definitely. Even just basic, basic information like, okay, what number am I on this waiting list. Like I don’t even get that or even like, okay, can you just give me like a rough estimate. I don’t even get that. So, literally in the dark like I have no idea what happens next. Like the GIC is like, okay, I’m in the system and that’s about it. And if one of the admin makes mistakes, you know, there’s people who slip through the cracks and they have to start all over again. So, yeah, I think there is a big balance, imbalance of power I would say.
Max talks about the benefit of having a counsellor who was LGBT and a person of colour.
Max talks about the benefit of having a counsellor who was LGBT and a person of colour.
I think for me it was, I don't know, having a session with someone who can understand where you was coming from. Like I did have counsellors before in uni, but she was a white middle-aged woman kind of middle class sounding and the things that I was telling her clearly didn’t click, like she couldn’t, not that she could relate to, she just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really get much support, any useful support from her at all. I didn’t feel, I felt worse afterwards. It was not her fault, but I just did not feel good afterwards. Like I poured my heart out and just get nothing in return, so that, yeah, that wasn’t good. But for the latest one, she’s you know, South Asian lesbian woman and kind of understood, kind of had like similar experience with family and kind of similar background, you know, stuff like that. So, she could understood where I was coming from and give advice based on that. So, yeah. I think basically having someone that you can relate to or someone who can relate to you as well. Back and forth like I said, not like in a one way. Like you can both kind of—I don't know how to explain it.
I think it’s, for me, personally, really important, ‘cos I can, sometimes I do struggle to relax otherwise, especially if it’s like talking about very, I don’t know personal stuff like that. But I think and it just connects to not having the best time in [country] when it comes to like racist teachers and what not. So, I think it’s just like subconsciously, I just cannot relax, otherwise. That might be different for other people, but it’s just, like I said in the beginning, sometimes it’s just nice to, I don't know feel like you’re getting help from someone who can understand your background, where you’re coming from and what help would be like best for you, if that makes sense.
I mean it’s just my counsellor, basically at [counselling practice]. Like I said, she’s from, I think she’s got Indian heritage or something like that. Like I said, she was a lesbian. She was a masculine woman as well, so it’s kind of understood like kind of overlapping, not identities but like experiences. But and I don’t know I just felt like she gave me not generic advice but advice that would make sense with my cultural background, because she also lived it. So, yeah, I think that was, that really made the difference for me, ‘cos I could tell that it was, not genuine, but I’m hoping that it was genuine from everyone. But, you know, yeah, I don’t think I would have gotten that from a white counsellor, I can say that for certain.
Max talks about his experience of being the only black person in youth groups ‘it was just awkward’.
Max talks about his experience of being the only black person in youth groups ‘it was just awkward’.
What’s been your experience of youth groups?
I mean, I would say, pretty good, but also a bit awkward because I was pretty much the only black person going to these groups. So, they weren’t bad. It was just like very, very different culture. It was just awkward. I would hang out with one other person there also always hangs out by himself. So, we would just hang out, basically. But it was not a bad group. You know, people there were great. It’s just, it was just very white and that just inherently makes me uncomfortable.
A bit more balance across race would have been nice. And there is a youth group now that is for young LGBT people of colour.
And what difference does that make to people of colour?
I mean, you know, just the culture around it, you know, the way you joke and the stuff that you talk about, you know, relatable like stuff that you have in common, you know, background wise. Like there’s a lot of things that, you know, you can joke and stuff, but it just completely goes over their head if it’s like a group of white folks. It’s like, you know, it’s just a different comfort, I suppose.
Max speaks about the importance of connecting with other members of the trans POC community and to disregard the media.
Max speaks about the importance of connecting with other members of the trans POC community and to disregard the media.
I’d just say, try to connect with other trans folk, definitely, ‘cos I think there’s nothing worse than just feeling, being alone. And I would say, get yourself an advocate if you’re transitioning like medically, definitely get yourself an advocate. If you’re are like finding struggles and things to with your healthcare service, with your GP and don’t just sit on it on your own and just definitely get someone else that can speak for you. I don't know. I would say don’t, yeah, don’t internalise anything that comes out of the news. Just have a good support network.