Experiences of trans and gender diverse young people

I didn't get taught anything. Might, I mean, my school we had, we got taught sexual health, sex ed in year nine. And we had two separate things. We had one lesson on earlier on in the year, that might have been year eight. And then year nine we had a proper like month of it. But the first thing we ever got taught was a session—from our geography teacher of all people. And all it was, it was about gay people, it was gay people have AIDS. That was what we were taught. It was, you know, about the AIDS crisis and then when I thought I might be gay I started worrying, am I gonna get AIDS from being gay. Didn't realise that what they were saying. So they taught it wrong. And that's all we heard of LGBT the whole time. We had sex ed and it was just a guy and a girl do this and use contraception and don’t get pregnant and this is an ultrasound and this is this and, and then occasionally guys and guys and girls and girls get together sometimes. That was it. That was all we heard. Nothing, nothing to support asexual people, pansexual, bisexual people, you know, LGBT at all. Nothing. And I didn't find out anything about trans sexual health or you know, saying no to certain things due to dysphoria wasn't taught. I kind of learned the hard way about that. Like I said, I had an abusive girlfriend who would pressure me to do things I wasn't comfortable with that made me dysphoric. You know, and I wasn't taught that, you know, being trans you are able to say no you don't wanna take off your binder. You're able say, no, you don't wanna do this. I kind of wasn't taught about that. I wasn't taught about, you know, safety of this, that or the other. I wasn't taught about you know, two females having sex or two males having sex. I weren't taught on anything. I still feel like I've probably don't know enough but anything I have learned has been from YouTube videos where I've actually gone to the effort of thinking, actually, is there, is there advice for this and googled it. I've learned how to communicate with a partner like beforehand what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not. And I've been fortunate that any partners I've had since my abusive ex had been really nice people. So it was mostly her was the problem. But I think there's not enough information. Not enough information in schools but there's not enough information online. I've only ever come across a couple of bits here and there about sexual health for same-sex relationships or whatever. I mean, sometimes, when I'm looking at things that are purely about biological things, I look at AFAB things assigned female at birth, because technically for the time being that's what I would have to look at for sexual health advice. So I look at those that, there was no information about this, you know, the, that STDs and STIs can be passed between females or between males. I didn't, I didn't know that. And it was, it was a surprise when I found out that that was a thing. So, no, I haven't been taught enough and there isn't enough resources online for it.

I didn’t like if, like if we were to have a lesson at school about it, I don't think, in the nicest way I don't think I'd care, because a teacher don't know anything about it. They're not specialised in it. They're not, it's not like if you’re an English teacher, you know what's what. You know this is, they don't know anything about it, so I wouldn't really care I’d be like “well, the half the stuff you are saying is probably irrelevant anyway and you probably have no idea what you're talking about. So I wouldn't really pay much attention, which I know sounds ridiculous, considering I'm in this position. But, I just, I wouldn't take any notice of it, because they are not trained in that, that's not their field, so I wouldn't really pay much attention.

Grew up in a very small town kind of, well it was quite a big local school but it was all like the surrounding towns and villages went to this one secondary school. There was no LGBTQ like education before secondary school and then at secondary school it was like in year 9 we got like a couple of lessons, we got one lesson that was like okay everyone here is some fake penis’s put some condoms on them but you have to hand all the condoms back in afterwards because the school board won’t let us give out condoms and, you know, won’t let anyone potentially keep a condom which is like gross because these were like condoms that have been unrolled and re-rolled down and unrolled and re-rolled down several times, you know, they were using the same condoms for like every class, it was gross but, you know, so like even if someone did want a condom I don’t think they would have taken one of those but, you know.

So yeah [laughter] and then I think we had one or two lessons that were like kind of just about sex but it was very, you know, penis in the vagina this is sex gay and lesbian kind of as terms were mentioned and I only remember this because I remember them teaching me like acknowledging well done because I knew that lesbian originated form Lesbos the island because of Sappho, is it Sappho the Greek poet but that was basically it was like yeah lesbians exist that when a woman loves a woman and, you know, they can have sex but they didn’t go into any sort of like that’s how, and here’s how sex might be same for gay men they kind of said yeah men can also love men and they didn’t really go any further than that.

So there was an acknowledgment that gay relationships can happen but there was no sort of mention of my sexuality, there was no mention of Transness and there was no sort of anything but penis and vagina sex, no sort of like, and even then it was kind of limited, you know, like wear a condom this is how it works, yeah it was mainly about, I think as well we had one other lesson which was on STI’s and why they’re terrible and why, you know, you shouldn’t have sex or if you do you should only be with certain people you love, you know, it wasn’t quite American Abstinence only teen because they did talk about condoms and stuff but it was quite limited and, yeah really didn’t go into detail on anything other than here’s how babies are made.

What’s been your experience of LGBT+ education growing up?

Well I mean I grew up in the time of section 28 so, [laughs] from none to terrible would be the answer.

I mean it was all of my, like relationships and sex education was about straight relationships. Straight, or cis straight sex. I should say. And relationships. I don’t remember ever, I don’t remember trans people ever being mentioned when I was at school. It, well, really in terms of the learning. I don’t remember that being like I can’t remember in history, politics through to sciences that ever being something. I think like there was may, the closest we got was maybe like hermaphrodite animals [laugh]. Exactly. And yeah like other LGB stuff, nah.

What would you like to say about the importance of LGBT+ education in schools?

I mean at the top line it can save lives. It can save lives in the immediate instance of affirming any queer or trans kids in the room. It can also save lives by providing information that protects LGBT+ people either, either like in terms of like sexual health and sexual information, or other bodily information or to give kind of like the confidence and awareness to avoid abusive relationships or be aware of abusive relationships and those sorts of things. But I think it can also normalise our experience among like in the UK in theory, I mean I know it’s not always true in practice but in theory everybody goes to school. If everybody went through that education system it would radically change the world for us potentially, if there was LGBT+ affirming sexual health and relationship information in education. And I think that it, I think that what I would caveat that with is that when we often talk about this we talk about, we talk about LGTB+ education, I know this isn’t what you’ve done but it’s often how it’s talked about in the world, as specific to sexual health. And like the medicalised side, side of being who we are, and then sometimes it’s talked about in terms of like the relationship element, or the kind of PHSE kind of classes. But I feel like there’s also the need for it to be woven through English classes or History classes or it needs to move out of like a specialised space into just part of life.

Tom: So I went in, and then they showed a video in class, and it was like I have quite high anxiety now, so this will make sense if I say that, and I remember they were showing a video about trans people, and then they were going to say, “So this is, [name] is doing this now,” And but they were like, “Do you want to be in the classroom when it’s doing it?” And I said, “Yeah.” And I was like, “I don’t know why,” look about, I was like why on earth did I say that? Like I’d be like no, get rid of it, other side of the school, now but yeah so I was, I think that’s one thing that I quite miss, because I was quite a confident kid when I was younger, and I feel like I’ve lost that recently, because of my anxiety, but yeah.

Tom’s mum: They showed the video what was it called, “My life.” The,

Tom: Yes

Tom’s mum: The BBC

Tom: It’s on CBBC. And it’s basically about my, it’s called “My Life,” and it basically just explains different kids’ stories, and there was this trans one and they basically showed that so it kind of relate with the kids.

Tom’s mum: It’s, it was really good. Because first of all the school were more than prepared to show it because it was a CBBC programme. So, they knew that it was suitable for their target audience. Second of all it explained…

Tom: Everything

Tom’s mum: It explained trans as you know, as a lifestyle, the fact that it wasn’t a choice, the you know how does it happen. It just really explained it really simple terms, that this isn’t a person choosing, “Oh I don’t fancy being a girl anymore, I want to be a boy,” but actually this is a feeling that you have always been this thing, and then it looked at the, talked to this lad about Leo, I think his name was about, it showed the transition process, talked to him about the issues that he had experienced, the things that were, that were helpful to him, and also it talked about blockers as well, didn’t it?

Tom: Yeah

Tom’s mum: And showed him, not actually showed him having a blocker injection, but showed sort of, they had discussion with Mum and, and Leo before the injection, then he goes off and has it done, then he comes out and talks about how it feels and things like that. And also, he got his passport, didn’t he?

Tom: Yeah.

Tom’s mum: In his new name, and things like that. So it was, it was just really a kind of holistic view from a kid’s perspective.

Tom: I and I was down in [city] and I wasn’t at the [organisation], I was at, what was it called [place],

Tom’s mum: [place]

Tom: And I was waiting in the waiting room, and I was, I saw him, but obviously we were both grown up a little bit, and I was with my Dad and I was like, “You know, you know that video that we showed everyone, that’s him.” And it was quite, it was quite nice to see, and he was sitting there with his girlfriend actually, well I guess they were, they were girlfriend and boyfriend, and it was just like really cool to see, cos he really helped me get through it. And it was really nice to see him.

When teachers and education staff oh, it’s, I mean I don’t know how, I mean I haven’t been in school for a while, so heaven knows how it is right now, but as far as I can say it’s just, make sure you use the pronouns and their preferred name when a kid says, do not disclose they’re trans, or sexuality, anything like that’s personal to them to their parents, because it’s illegal, it’s, would put them in risk, in possible danger. So it’s a safeguarding thing.

Another thing is just when, like especially for trans kids and stuff a teacher is sometimes the only form of like the only person they can talk to about things, and be, be ready to like signpost them if you can, if you’re not able to talk about some things or like treat them like they’re not wrong to be thinking the way they are, if that makes sense. Like they, like give them space, encourage them to like find people like them, I guess, if that make sense, like because the one of the most things that can be in school especially is that it can be so isolating when you’re like different from everyone else. And helping them find other people just like them, whether that be in staff or other pupils, if possible. It could make a world of difference for that kid.

And especially like, even if you don’t believe that, even if you don’t believe in trans, trans people or whatever, but like even if they’re hanging out with other trans people, like it means they do better in your class, surely that’s enough? Like if they will be a healthier and happier person, and as a teacher you should want that, and like, so trying to educate yourself on trans issues and being affirming and reject any of that Transgender Trend nonsense that you might get in the post or whatever, just get, get rid of that listen to trans people.

What would you like to see changed around education?

Just that being queer or Trans or however you identify just isn’t, is a like a non-issue if you’re, if we’re teaching kids about like different family make-up’s not even just in sexual education because like being Trans or being queer or LGBT or whatever it’s not just about like sexuality it’s about how we live our lives it’s about especially queerness it’s about our beliefs it’s about like our rejection of different aspects of society. And so to just allow that to be a part of like when we think about families, when we think about people like when we think about just anything like that person might be queer, that person might be Trans and that’s just a part of life as oppose to like this addition or like this thing that’s only apparent in sexual education so yeah trying to break down an understanding of our identities as like these sexual things it’s just, we’re just living our lives [laughter].

Ok so obviously from my situation, I've never, I didn't grow up in that sort of scenario. So obviously I came out long after school. But I think what I'd say, a bit of advice is it just depends on the person. Just obviously have that open communication because not everyone will be as open as myself, especially kids. I mean actually kids these days they seem quite open from what I'm seeing and you know I really admire that because I wish I had the strength to do that when I was that age.

I mean obviously it's just about working together and you know respecting the boundaries. I mean there is, there is cases of you know people in the same-sex schools coming out as trans and obviously they can't change school. And you know it's just about making that person feel comfortable and you know just completely respecting that boundary. Because you know kids can be cruel but I feel like this generation they're a little bit lucky because even though you know it's still a bit it of a stigma at the moment for us older lot. I mean from what I know, you know kids are more, they're more open and more accepting these days.  So I think most people you know in the younger generations, they know of at least one person that's trans which is really good. That people are being open and you know more, more open to just speaking about it. Whereas you know it was a taboo before.

So yeah I think the main thing is just respecting that person's boundaries and you know with things like pronouns, things like that. Just give kids the space to kind of express themselves because you know there are people who have identified as trans and then they’ve either detransitioned or they've decided it’s not for them. So I mean a lot of the issues are not enough resources being available so providing education about, you know, not just obviously trans but the whole LGBT community as a whole. Because you know there’s a lot of parents who are you know, they’re stuck in the old ways and really against it. And I just think to myself, hold on a minute like this is real life, like why would you shield, the worst thing to do is to shield, try and shield someone from what is real life because this is when you get people who grow up a bit broken, you know ashamed to be who they are, which causes a lot of problems.

Like with myself, I can honestly and openly say that being suppressed you know for a long time has caused me a lot of problems. It causes a lot of problems in my adult life, in terms of how I am in relationships, you know just my sort of attitude towards things. So you know the best thing you can do is just let kids express themselves. Because at the end of the day they are you know their own person and you know it's a hard pill to swallow that one day these people are going to be adults, they're going to be adults. They are their own people so let people express themselves whether it's sexuality or gender. If they want to wear you know whatever clothes they want to wear or you know experiment with whoever they want to experiment.  Just let people do it, like I just don't understand why people have such a big problem about who people, you know who people romantically like or how people feel inside. But yeah it's just about kind of going at that person in particular’s pace and that applies not just to trans people but to all of the LGBT community as well.

To teachers I would say if a child asks to be, to go by a different name in class then even if you can’t change it on the system let them and be mindful of this if they’ve told you to keep doing it and if there’s a substitute inform the substitute teacher because it can be really awkward trying to explain to a substitute teacher that your name on the register isn’t your actual name. But also be mindful about pronouns and also be mindful that trans individuals can be more at risk of bullying and to be on the lookout for like gender based bullying a lot more and to maybe offer like a safe space for them to go at lunch if they’re experiencing it really badly.